The_waiting_game.cda

Update.mp3

I've updated my website and reiterated my artist talk since my last post. I've started a more formalised blog at a-n - to get myself out there, even though it feels like I'm writing off into the void most of the time. That's the way I like it, though, because I find it more unsettling to suddenly have someone comment out of the blue. I have a habit of keeping myself to myself, which makes me an easy target at work. This is why I like working for myself (even though the current work is not classed as work in 'time is money' standards). 

Conditional support.mp3

I feel pressure now, because my family have started supporting me in this endeavour to study further, and I reassured them that in order to do that, I need my full attention on research instead of diffusing some towards looking for work. Part of me is bullshitting some promised result that I don't really know for certain, but is glamorised one day as a boldness to take risks. 

I feel pressure to produce the result that validates their support. This is probably how I'd likely feel if I get funding one day.

The academic who can freely do their research is a myth - because they'll probably be under stress from funding bodies to produce results. Publish or perish is popular in academia, and it's the same as artists who feel the implicit need to show work in galleries, or we'd fade into obscurity. It's not glamorous as a lived experience.

The walk of fame.mp3

I made a new diagram called 'The walk of fame'. 

Tom and Jerry chase sequence.mp3

The diagram was a drawing I did in my research notebook. I added the same line from my previous diagram of a commercial art gallery model. There are parallels between artists/curators/researchers and showbiz. A small percentage of artists are in the limelight and can be recognised as a figurehead of a movement or group. Looking from the place of envy, they're most likely sponsored and can use that funding to do what they want, whereas the majority of artists who weren't at the right place at the right time, or had the energy to schmooze with the right people, have to compete for scraps. I'm facing the thought of potentially having bursary support for my practice from my own donations to that same organisation. Feels like a Tom and Jerry sketch.

Maybe I'm being too cynical... but I am seeing a closed system of money that's supposedly moving, but it's the same money from the same people. This is just a microcosm...it's all different social circles of the same problem

I've also noticed that the critical time for artists is after their first major show or some achievement. This is the same for child actors, who, after a series ends or a really high-profile film comes out, something similar happens. Some quit, go off the rails, or forever chase after that moment. I recently watched a documentary on child-actors and many of the stars, once they've grown up, have problems, and are dealing with not being the star anymore. I think it's the same with artists, as those who have grown up where all the adults around said they make really good art, and it becomes a tragedy with time. I think calling it narcissism is missing the point and puts the blame on individual people, rather than looking at the structure that's causing it.

The imaginary-legitimacy arrow was originally from Lacan's concept of the imaginary and symbolic order, and it worked as a continuum intersecting the art, curation, and research spheres. But I don't want to make it niche.

Being in pain (maybe it's existential angst, I'm not sure).mp3

Sometimes I'm in pain because I feel like I'm a loser for showing up on a personal project which might not even amount to anything (and from my family, friends' and governmental perspective, I'm currently unemployed - it doesn't matter if I have a plan, the future isn't now). Even if it turns out successful, the emotional hardship would be forgotten about amidst the nostalgia of the 'good old days', when the future looks back on this time. I think the good thing about having a fixed contract job is that I'm able to use the money as a shield from thinking about the dark truths of humanity, even though there's an itch of introspection we can't scratch. I'm going to find my moral support from reading about Kafka.

I have this thing of only finding comfort in reading about dead writers, artists, and theorists; I don't seek solace in my friends and family like a regular person. When I try to find solace in a living person, I'd get unsatisfied with where the conversation is heading because it's usually surface solutions like find a job in somewhere you like etc. - it's missing the point completely.

Racing_mind.cda

Masking.mp3

The forms for my ADHD and autism assessment have been sent off, and I'm currently waiting for my assessment appointment. I've asked my dad to attend the appointment with me. I told him that it was the opportunity to tell a professional how strange I was throughout my childhood and now. He's seen all my special interests, stimming, and asocial preferences. My parents are starting to take the thought of me having autism and ADHD seriously. But I'm still angry with the school and my parents for not spotting signs earlier, I'm also angry at myself for not seeking help - 

being neurodivergent could have been the cause of my previous bad behaviour and mental health issues. I had a pattern of ruminating about 'what's wrong' with my life during sixth form and BA Fine Art - maybe I was trying to work out something that culture couldn't articulate at the time that wasn’t the butt of the joke. Neurodivergence and mental health was frequently joked about on tv and everyday conversations in the 2010s. Even I joked about it.

I also don't mask at home. This is one of the reasons why I prefer having a studio at home, because I feel like I waste creative energy masking during my commute and interacting with others. I just automatically do it beyond my control. I used to think it was due to gender norms of women and girls having to mask true emotions in a masculine world, but I don't think that describes me fully. 

Research diary that I've started. I wrote more information on my Instagram post about it

Neurodiverse traits.mp3

I'm getting a lot of impulses to work on new things lately. In the context of creativity, it's a good thing, but I also feel like I'm out of control - I don't feel grounded. I have states where I'm in the flow, where I concentrate on my ideas, lose my appetite, and don't sleep well. But I prefer it when I'm being mindful of my surroundings. I used to describe my art practice as scattered, but the lecturers disagreed, as they think in systems. 10 years later, I've adopted this way of thinking - I've also seen patterns of the same behaviour, same trends happening in different places to understand that it's systemically interconnected.

I actually started this way of thinking in the second year of BA Fine Art, and made diagrams related to it, but conformity shut it down. In some ways, I do have a sense of survival guilt, where I feel guilty for my classmates not continuing their art, but it's ambiguous, because their presence made me conform to a certain way of thinking and doing. [going back to the thing of masking]

I've recently submitted work to somewhere, but only the pieces I thought had more potential to be accepted, which were the ones seen traditionally as art. [I want to use the 'already accepted as art' works as a signpost for the works I'm doing now]

Not happy with my research proposal.mp3

I emailed an updated version of my proposal to potential supervisors, and thought about it afterwards (constantly thinking about it on the back of my mind). I'm not happy with it already, because I've realised the complexity of the question I've proposed, which could go off in different directions, and at different levels of depth. I'm not sure if the aims and objectives, and the literature review is detailed enough. I feel like I've missed this out, and missed that out. I also don't think I wrote the contributions detailed enough - I didn't think about how the research would benefit the wider community (but at the same time, I don't want to be overambitious, that becomes arrogance).

My argument in the literature review can go deeper into exploring Lacanian/Kristevan themes (a previous writing in the proposal, which I got rid of!)

A_moment_of_silence.mp3

 

I made this meme… and I’m calling it ‘A moment of silence’…

Invisible labour.mp3 

In sims, when the player wants to make a profit, they make a sim green, then hide them in a basement to make paintings, and then sell the paintings to generate money for the main family. I feel like some of us are those trolls - churning out information for the collective who doesn’t think about us. 

Post structural dilemma of artist-researchers.mp3

'You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out
You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about'

There are times where I want to sacrifice my academic legitimacy so that I can be a truth-teller...

 BUT! I want my ‘artist’ side to ‘get along’ and form a coalition with my research endeavours. 

hmm

My Gantt chart at the moment

Making_zines_real.mp3

 

Masking and tiredness.mp3

I started making digital zines in 2024-2025. I made 12 issues of these and just stopped, because I stopped feeling it (my jobs keep getting in the way of my creativity! The impulse to make something is an internal thing, but I get distracted easily by external structure and can't seem to do both).

I choose to be on my own with few friends who only know me on surface level-

‘Religious folks choose to live in seclusion to be closer to God, I choose seclusion to be closer to Art-research.’

I can’t be with people and make artwork that meets my bloody high standards. And I’m tired of pretending/masking my neurodivergence.

Money money money.mp3

I don’t mean seclusion as in living miles away from anyone, I mean a lifestyle that avoids socialising, I’m interested in Hikikomori, but socialise when necessary like going to a job or something that will help me gain something (it’s largely because I really don’t want to spend unnecessary money. Structurally set up: the ones who wind up spending are usually those who don’t have any). 

- I can tell that my parents were really strict with me during potty training… it’s interesting because my generation of the family are like this in a way. I’ve noticed me, my brother and cousins display this hermit like behaviour. Not sure if it’s a cultural or a generational thing? Maybe it’s affected by the economy (you don’t say) and parenting styles. (Harsh government, harsh schools, and harsh parenting)

The collective situation of having no money is so dire it isn’t taboo anymore 

- I don’t want to be stingy but what’s happening in the world is making me have no choice but to be like this. I literally walked to Sainsbury’s to get a few essential items and a small treat (crème egg) and it set me back £21. Imagine if I drove, how much would petrol cost?! When someone asks me to meet up, I mentally have a calculator out and want to ask immediately, ‘how much is this outing going to cost?’ Instead of being intrigued by what the meet up entails.

Back to the zine though.mp3

I printed the first issue of the zine out today and started becoming interested in it again. I printed it without the background colour (because printer ink is expensive). So I coloured the green background with pencil crayons instead. It gives it a niche feeling, because it's a blend of digital and manual (DIY) labour. I glued the pages together and stapled them to form a booklet. 

Now that I've seen it in tangible form. I don't like how the zine is in this format. It feels like this layout is overdone. I'm going to try different ways of putting the subsequent zines together in the next few prints. I'm going to print the next one out in a shape net - so the viewer can interact with the zine by folding it up into a shape. Plus, the title 'deconstruction' goes with the 'deconstructed shape'. 

Family_trauma_[TW!]_.cda

It's really intense [very heavy read], because it's a long list of questionnaires and data input for autism/ADHD. [followed by a full on section of TW content]

I've asked my mum about my social, academic, and behavioural histories in my entire education up to 18. When she was talking to me about how she saw me. I had a realisation that it doesn't seem like we're experiencing life in the same universe. Her answers made me question whether she really knew me as a person when I was growing up. 

She said my academic performance and socialising were above average, because I went to Chinese school on weekends, whilst going to my regular school on weekdays. But I'm remembering all the help, the support, and the struggles of my education. 

I think my parents saw me as their idealised version of a golden child, who can do no wrong, which fuelled their impulse to mollycoddle me from the other children, as I was their child. I feel somewhat objectified with that thought - like I'm their pet. Sometimes I have a fear that I'm doing the same with my cat, because I'm keeping her as a house cat, as I don't want her to get injured by other animals or run over by cars. This is another reason why I don't wish to have kids, because I'm doomed to do the same thing my parents are doing to me. This has happened before with the previous generations. My mum doesn't like her mum, and my grandmum didn't like my great-grandmum for being too controlling. That's a sign.

I'm an avid watcher of Eastenders, and I see a lot in the Beale family that is similar to my own. My dad is definitely an Ian Beale 'Thatcher's child' archetype. He thinks art is a waste of time and has that type of mindset. My mum is kind of absent. She's there but is absent.

I did actually have an enmeshed relationship with my parents, because they don't see me as separate from them. There was a time when I joined an acting agency because I wanted to be an extra, but then my dad signed up for it as well, so I didn't do it. I bet if I assert my independence, I'm going to be the scapegoat instead of the golden child.

I feel like my artworks are fuelled by this anger towards authority figures and systemic structures, of not being seen for who I am.  

I’m laughing about it but it’s actually serious.mp3

I thought more about it. I’m more of a scapegoat to my dad, but the golden child to my mum - she’s living vicariously through me pursuing my art dreams (as her mum and family financial situation prohibited her from becoming an artist, and my dad obviously doesn’t like it, because I don’t fit his image: a mathematician/accountant) it’s not supposed to be funny, but I’m going to end up finding a spouse who’ll have similar traits as them. I’m finding it funny because that’s the only way I know how to cope without going off the rail.

It’s cultural and intergenerational.mp3 (sorry: trigger warning)

When I was living with two of my university friends in shared accommodation, we were talking about how our parents treated us whilst growing up. Mine was the Asian strict parenting, one of my friends was raised in a Ghanaian household, and another was English. Me and my friend (who’s 3rd gen Ghanaian) talked about physical abuse as a method of punishment. It happened to both of us. My friend who was English, didn’t go through physical abuse as a disciplinary method. (I low key wish I grew up in a white household)

I think there is an intergenerational trauma element in my case though. My great grandmum and grandmum on my mum’s side nearly got captured by Japanese soldiers in WWII. Mum mentioned it to me very casually. My grandparents on my dad’s side went hiding in a forest away from the Japanese soldiers. I think we’re all trying to recover from it on some level. A lot of people mentioned that my mum looks Japanese - I feel like there’s an elephant in the room there. I wanted to write it so that it ‘ends’ the trauma floating around this lineage. I feel like there is a weird intergenerational trauma there, but can’t describe it in a way that’s sufficient, because it’s not a tangible sense.

I found this article about generational trauma: 

https://medicamondiale.org/en/violence-against-women/overcoming-trauma/transgenerational-trauma

The researcher in me doesn’t have boundaries- I don’t know my suspicions for sure, but I’m not brave enough to take a genealogy DNA test to find out. I’d also upset a lot of people in my family including myself.

Yeah but.mp3

I don’t want to slate my family like this because I love them, but at the same time I want to write my piece of how it’s affecting me through all these years, and it makes a difference to how my art practice came to be. They’re not as strict as before, so that’s an improvement. I actually think how I treat myself is more of a problem, because it’s turned inwards.

Possible_Autism_ADHD.cda

I just registered into a clinic for adult autism/ADHD. I feel a bit sick after writing about the overview of what I've been going through throughout my life. This is what I've been going through regarding my neurodivergence (it's intense, but that's my life experience in a nutshell, it is what it is):

Describe your education experience.mp3

'I was a loner in the first few years of primary school. I struggled interacting with the other children (which I thought was due to language barriers, as I’m British-born Chinese and was raised in a household that spoke mainly in Cantonese). I learned to get along with my peers and developed a friendship group in secondary school.
 
Academically, my performance was asymmetrical. I did well in certain areas but struggled in others. I remember I struggled particularly with English and mental maths tests. This is reflected in my tests, where I scored very low in primary school. In secondary school, my grades from formal exams were average, even though I got high grades on my homework throughout the year.
 
My mum described me as emotionally immature, and my manager from my work experience at sixth form gave me feedback that my social skills ought to be more developed for a 17-year-old.
 
Behaviourally, I was forgetful and disorganised in primary school and the first two years of secondary school, but I improved from then on. I saw myself as a good student and remained quiet throughout the rest of my time at school. I started acting out when I went to art school at 19 towards the lecturers. I had behaviour issues and problems with alcohol that led to my first psychosis.'

I had a lot of reports from school. I brought it to Staffordshire University when I was a student, but didn't have the courage to show anyone. I lost the reports when moving back home after university. It might have been me losing it deliberately. So now I don't have any evidence. 

Describe your occupational experience.mp3

I struggled socially with most of the jobs, where I was a target of discrimination for processing information differently. I was quiet and struggled to maintain a conversation where I would be seen as 'normal'. I worked in jobs that was factory based. I struggled with processing auditory information in a loud environment and unfamiliar accents. I physically heard what my colleagues were saying, but was unable to understand it, and kept asking them to repeat or was forced to pretend to understand to avoid being awkward. When I was working as a QA Technician, I found doing multiple tasks hard, and I found planning difficult. When I was listening to my manager speak to me directly, I was unable to retain that information in my head. I worked well as an operative when I had a clear task that was repetitive for a long period of time, even though I got very bored and found it unfulfilling.

Describe other experiences.mp3

I struggle with working memory. When I was in school, I struggled with mental maths, where information was from cassette tapes, and we had to quickly process it and write the answer out. I struggle with remembering a list of numbers. I also struggle with remembering names and faces in situations where I meet several new people. I'm unable to process abstract thoughts into speech, which affects me with presentations and talking to a group. I'm better at articulating my thoughts in a one-to-one setting, and if there is a context behind the conversation. I'm unable to remember song lyrics and the names of celebrities.

Having uninformed parents.mp3

I have an issue with getting my parents to work with me on helping me investigate it, because they don't believe in neurodivergence, they don't even believe in mental illness. They think it's an excuse, and that it really depends on one's own will, that if one tries hard enough, they can will themselves out of mental illness and neurodivergence. Maybe I started acting out at art school because I felt it was a safe space for me to rebel and individuate. My parents can be harsh- I think that’s where my inner critic comes from.

2e: When your gifts and disability mask each other 😭

Having uninformed teachers.mp3

I'm a bit angry when I think about it. The teachers at my secondary school saw that I was struggling in plain sight, and just let me walk through the system, without investigating why my exam grades was a lot lower than my homework grades. It's not even a few marks, but the difference between A* and C. I want someone to explain.

Making_Crap.mp3

An idea factory.mp3

I was looking at my research proposal, and suddenly had a reflexive idea to make a sculpture that looks like crap. I want to print off my research proposal, reduce it into papier-mache, dye it brown, and mould it into that shape. It's comedic, but it is a critique of the system. 

We're churning out knowledge (and footing the bill) that realistically, would only be read by supervisors. I don't think anyone else would read it. My parents and friends aren't interested in what I have to write about. The public definitely isn't interested. 

So academic research in the physical form of crap is the representation of the abject thing that this current short-form-loving society disowns. I hope I intellectually own this idea, but I won't go as far as to copyright it like some influencers.

(Note to self - Research Wim Delvoye: cloaca) -

One of many iterations: Cloaca New & Improved • wimdelvoye.be

Zoochosis.mp3

I feel like it’s some form of intellectual self sabotage? Imagine if I get rejected because of this…Would this be classed as self sabotage? [was doing some thinking on this- turns out there is a ‘collective complex’ towards ‘PhD’: it brings up insecurities around intelligence and power imbalance which becomes tribal. I usually notice people tense up, do a micro-gesture, or the air in the room changes when PhD is mentioned outside, and sometimes even inside academia.]

I feel tension with applying - I know the reason behind why they say art and research doesn’t agree with each other. I find research important, but I’m also pulled with the thought of art research as unnecessary. Societally, we’re in a time where it’s embarrassing to pursue a PhD- does that say much about the time we’re in? To think that pursuing knowledge for enlightenment is vice instead of a virtue? 

When I was 4 or 5, I had the same pain of adjusting to the school system. It’s the same here, but I’m 32 and I’m adjusting to the bureaucracy of academia. I think it’s this society, I don’t like the rules very much. Art is anti-rules and it’s arguably natural to our real selves, the selves before we had to internalise the rules. However, I would argue that research is an extension of childhood curiosity, that later got reshaped to fit external demands.

I’ll take some time to walk in a park or forest because the patriarchal structure: the structure cis-male capitalists made for us is making me mad. A century ago, I would have been diagnosed with female hysteria. 

I see it in my cat. She sometimes gets the zoomies and runs around frantically. Maybe that’s her reacting to being in an environment that’s not her natural place.