Cannot_let_go.cda

 

Betrayal.mp3

I've recently decided to stop making artwork for exhibitions because I don't like the disingenuous nature of it. Nevertheless, at the same time, I can't let go. With this in mind, I'll continue making work to do with this line of enquiry and submitting it to shows. (But there is a moral challenge in that the system is congruous with me now rather than going against me, so it would lead to criticism.)

Sometimes loyalty is my greatest strength, but it is also an Achilles heel (or vice versa)... is ambition greed? I'm doing well professionally in the workplace, and yet I feel guilty. I feel guilty for leaving my friends behind. [I still refuse to believe meritocracy exists - I don’t think it does exist because I had a lot of help from family in the past to get to where I am now.] Why are my same-age friends stuck in dead-end jobs and living with parents, whereas I'm a homeowner with health insurance? It's very unfair. And I have friends who have double the salary I earn, but still can’t buy property. 

I’m probably continuing my art line of enquiry for my friends’ interests rather than myself.

Note to self: be very careful of infringing copyright in future artworks - I don't think I've been cautious enough in my previous works in 2025 due to lapses in judgement.- Humorously enough, maybe how I retouch the photograph of the work on my website might be an artwork in its own right, criticising copyright. I'm in a position where I have to simultaneously support and be against the systems.

Monstrous Structures.mp3

"Not knowing" why I made those tentacle structures at university, and only at university. 
In my case it's not a 'roll safe' meme, It's 'role safe'

I might be more sparse with my posts - because I've just recently started a new role, and I'm planning on doing it long-term. This role is quite fulfilling and meets my intellectual needs, actually. But I'm always wanting more, so I want to do well in my art practice too. This could mean being a member of both A-N and Axis Art. I have an issue with the paying bit as a privilege - sure - there are concessions, but it's often attached to internalised shame. Maybe I'm being pettily aware, but that's my problem with it. It's not said explicitly 'you are a serious artist if you are a member of these', but it's an unspoken code of legitimacy. I'm actually more accepting for the general system than the art system - this is a monster in its own right. I can't wrap my head around to how illogical this system is, and have fully grown adults who believe it's the holy grail method. Imagine the employees paying the company to work there - that's what the art world is. 

I feel philanthropy has something to do with this (I could cross-examine registered charity organisations and business entities). But at this moment, I'm not entirely sure how it's connected to the model. I feel strongly about this issue in a way that I can't see myself working formally within it, because it's a conflict of interest. Luckily, I've managed to gain skills in a different field.

It's not hard to see this model being replicated elsewhere. I'm updating my membership list on my artist CV and feeling like a clown while doing it, but others are going to see this and think wow, this is brilliant without realising the tomfoolery behind it. The membership grades subtly become a competition among artists, with 'I can buy a bigger sword, so my sword is better than yours'. It shouldn't be like that, but meritocracy goes from men comparing dick sizes to the symbolic, but it's deeper than a gender issue.

On another note - I think at this point, I better look at examples of funding proposals, so I know the layout and writing style of it. I could use the skills I learnt from performing audits at work to spot checking the key points in the proposal. Sometimes you can manipulate the skill into another context.

I don’t know why, I feel like I went from being emotionally related from Elphaba to becoming Glinda in wicked, why’s that? It’s like I’ve moved from the bad image to a good image in the eyes of this system.

[Why am I so preoccupied with this? I don't think it's normal to be hyperaware and fixated about it - I feel really stable but unstable at the same time. I'm finding myself just randomly googling middle class anxiety] - Actually I think my dad had this problem. When he became a manager he was still helping with a lot of manual labour and wearing joggers to work, and it made a lot of people confused. In his mind, he’s breaking stereotypes of a managerial role, but it’s too institutionalised that it’s not possible.

I remember when I first learnt how to write emails. I was new at university, and wrote an email to my lecturer that I was ill so won't attend that day. He signed off with 'kind regards' in the reply. That sign-off stuck with me since that was when I decided to learn to format my emails, and as a result of that, I usually write 'kind regards' at the end of my emails.

Imposter syndrome.mp3

I think another thing ‘blocking’ me from believing in meritocracy (if it exists), is imposter syndrome. I can’t see the internal qualities of myself that make the external positive things happen in my life. I see my choices as a fluke that my life has become stable. I feel like the previous generations of my family (and even the teachers at my old schools) did most of the work for me to make ‘good’ choices. But when something goes wrong in my life, I blame myself straight away and feel bad about it.

Is it possible we’ve been thinking meritocracy the wrong way? Maybe it’s more group effort rather than thought as an individual endeavour? But where does personal agency sit in this? - is it actually in our control?

Why does it work for some people but not for others?