Home_as_studio01.cda

 

Living room desk (for manual artwork), taken by a DSLR I bought in 2013

01 Studios.mp3

My first studio space was at university. This was in 2012, when I studied Art Foundation. My subsequent studio spaces were in the same building at the university. The first studio space outside educational institutions was at Stryx. I eventually stopped having a studio space due to the cost of rent. I couldn't justify paying more than £200 per month to rent a space I'm hardly at due to full-time work. 

It took me a long time to realise that the best place to have a studio was a place where I can be myself - at home. For a long time, I thought being uncomfortable in the studio was normal, but I was ignoring my own needs and preferences. I spent a decade performing, making artwork, where I can be watched by others. Maybe some people are fine with that, but I'm sensitive to being watched - it reminds me of being in an exam and being watched by the invigilator. I think, up until this point in my life, I've been institutionalised to behave in what's perceived as culturally normal, and thus, sacrificing my actual self. 

Bedroom desk (for digital artwork), I like the 'off-white grain' effect caused by the device's age rather than the artificiality of Photoshop. These details matter to me more than I thought

02 Institutional problem.mp3

This has brought a lot of doubt in the work I have made, and where the line is with artwork that I like, and artwork that authority figures in the form of teachers, lecturers, and curators approve of. These aren't even external people anymore. It's within myself now. Technically, I didn't actually know these people, I just knew their workplace personas. And in extension to that, I don't think I truly know anyone. 

My home is where I can be comfortable with being myself and share the space with my cat. I don't have to put on a subconscious social mask to socialise with her. It's not that I don't like people; it's just that there's something that changes internally when I see people who aren't my immediate family. I'm not sure if it's just a me thing, but I've noticed this my whole life. It comes from a strong fear of rejection. I remember the feeling of intense fear when I was put in playgroup and school, and the times I was surrounded by other children pulling their eyes as a racial slur towards me. I still fear it on an unconscious level when I meet new people.  

Social media made the inauthenticity worse for me, because it's making me 'perform' for an audience all the time. 

03 Hiatus.mp3

I've taken an involuntary hiatus to find myself - involuntary because I don't have the inspiration to make any visual art. I've changed since my second psychosis back in 2018. I suffered from anhedonia since then, and MA Fine Art didn't work to give me the enthusiasm that I hoped would fix it. 

It's like I've forgotten some of my personality since 2018, and I want to restore it. I'd like to get back to oil painting eventually, but now is not the time yet, as I need to get over the socially conditioned making and showing the audience online immediately - out of my head, maybe I'm just sensitive about it, but I don't believe it's a healthy habit, because it has a similar ethos to fast fashion; of making something to send off for consumption without appreciating one's own labour behind it. The work becomes lower quality over time. 

I've also cancelled my Adobe subscription because my annual subscription discount from last Black Friday is ending, and I don't want to pay full price - from £30 to £66 per month is not worth it. I wish I was old enough in the era when you could buy the licensed software for a set price and have it permanently. 

04 Age dysphoria.mp3

I'm starting to see signs of my old self come back after putting boundaries on my social media use and acknowledging my mental health to myself. I recently started listening to iPods again. I stopped listening to my iPod after my first psychosis in 2016. Listening to music is where my enthusiasm is at the moment. I'm nostalgic about the time period between 2005 and 2015, especially with the old 2010 - 2012 Instagram aesthetic. I'm probably biased about liking this time period, because it's closely associated with my coming of age. Culturally, it's during this time period when Apple released the iPhone, which seemed to provide the framework for others e.g., Meta, for cannibalising all the surrounding tech.

I tried using my old iPod Nano, but the battery degraded to the point where I was constantly charging it. I didn't want to take it to a repair store because people might look at me weird. I bought a refurbished iPod Classic from web 2.0. I was lucky to have and keep my own music collection before I switched over to streaming music. I feel more attached to the music I own because I curate my library based on my personal autobiographical memory. I haven't had the same sentiment about the music since 2016, because I'll listen to a piece of music, and think about a particular Tiktok instead of my own lived experience.