Becoming_better?.cda

Update on deleting my old Instagram.mp3

It's been nearly a month since I set my Instagram on deletion, and I feel more positive about my mental wellbeing. That might be indicative to why I felt 'undeveloped' all these years. I'm starting to feel more like an adult. I feel that I can finally leave my social media accounts with high privacy settings alone at peace, rather than constantly changing them due to that perceived personal fable that teenagers often get. Mark Manson was on point in his recent video, It's Time to (Finally) Grow Up, where he highlights that childish behaviour often gets the attention it doesn't deserve.

Update on leaving the art world.mp3

I've noticed further personal happiness when I mentally left the art world. I don't want to slate it entirely - maybe the art industry works for some people, but the system left me feeling disillusioned and fixated on my perfectionism towards creating artwork for others. It's a great shame it didn't work for me, but I want to be healthy at the end of the day, and leaving it is what I have ultimately chosen.

Having the power to act NO, rather than just saying it.mp3

I've learnt that I function better if I set all my social media to high privacy settings, and only let a couple of people in my inner circle. I've also learnt that I find it more fulfilling to make work for myself rather than please the cultural narrative, based on what galleries are selecting for their exhibitions. What left me disillusioned with the artworld is the schmoozing to get on curators' and gallery directors' good side (and for them to put on a show to the public to big you up - but it's kind of empty admiration here and there based on a transactional rapport), and paying money towards exhibitions that show the works. 2026 version of me doesn't want empty emotional calories. 

Structural concern.mp3

Dreams of becoming an art star is the same as love. Love becomes more of a practical thing rather than a romantic thing from 30s and onwards. I'm disillusioned with the system that tricks youths into spending their money and well-being towards empty promises. Historical figures who were considered successful were made to be self-absorbed by people within the system by bigging them up, making them believe they are great. This is the personal reason why I don't wish to teach art. Maybe education used to mean learning and embodying philosophy (I'm all for that), but it's becoming increasingly transactional (maybe it's been like this for a few centuries, and it's becoming more exposed to people outside that elusive circle - gatekeeping isn't as watertight in academia anymore). I don't want to support the system I don’t agree with. (Some things don't change - every time I write about this system, be it a decade ago, 5 years ago, or even now, I still feel angry. I just wish I didn't care so much. One of my goals in adult life is to learn to let go of this.) It does make me wonder though, if ‘society’s mess-ups’ are actually ‘mess-ups’, or are they just martyrs for not supporting the systems they disagree with? Is it not a structural configuration? I remember my primary school teacher criticising the people becoming bin men as punishment in her rant, caused by the naughty kids. She would have been cancelled if she said this today (and the problem with cancel culture is that it calls it out, but doesn't fix anything integral in the structure - like this blog, really - how do we fix something like this without saviour complex?). I'll probably come back to it in later posts, because it's that deep-seated and complex.

Update on health.mp3

My relationship with alcohol is healthier now. I used to drink a lot, and now I drink a glass wine or one pint of beer if I do have any. Having a driving licence has helped massively, because it's making me see drinking as a less attractive alternative than keeping myself and others on the road safe by being sober. I wake up before 6am to start my day, and have incorporated gym into my morning routine, and yoga in the evening if I'm not working that day. I go to bed at 10pm. I would have laughed if someone told me a few years ago what I'll be like now (thinking back to a time when I thought over-drinking was cool), but I'm slowly becoming the person I want to be. It’s conditioning going well according to the consensus. (I like to find the root cause of things) Maybe this healthiness feeling is the alignment with this consensus of older adults. 

Skeptic.mp3

Don't quote me on this, but historically, people would start working at dawn to get the most out of the only light source available before the Industrial Revolution. (Why did just think about Steyerl's sun factory? Rhetorical question). That's why there's phrases such as, 'the early bird gets the worm', 'early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise' exist. Times have changed, and we are living in the memories of the sun never sets, but we still associate early risers with increased productivity (because it's reinforced by what's reported about the elites waking up really early - which is followed by social learning theory - and there is a bias in science where certain evidences are less challenged than others, as well as cherry picking away from outliers in statistical trends. There was a time where doctors said smoking was healthy and encouraged the public to smoke, because of a savvy business man.

The worry is that social media influencers don't necessarily have the in-subject training to say the scientific evidence in a responsible way. They might cherry-pick data to help their cause, which most of the time, is making money). I remember the times I was really productive late at night, so I don't think this assumption of early risers being more productive is true. I'm only adopting this way of living because of my shift pattern.

[I have to plan full days of not doing anything else - to edit my blog, because thinking through these topics and editing ruins my day. And by editing, I mean add to it and make it even more dense.]