AUDHD, a combination of autism and ADHD

 

I'll tell you what happened in the ADHD diagnostic interview yesterday. The practitioner offered to send me the questions instead, and redo the interview the following week. I think I set myself up for watching the England vs Mexico match. It made me even more spacey. But this is how I generally am in interviews (now I know why I find it hard to get a job). The practitioner said if I make notes for the next interview, it would make my assessment more thorough and fairer. But he said I have ADHD from the meeting, albeit not the hyperactive form, because he didn't see me twirling my hair or fidgeting (but I do put on a good act in terms of masking myself in interviews). 

I made so many notes about my behaviour and traits that is evidence of ADHD. The question sheet helped because it gave me a lot of prompts, (overwise I'd forget mentioning the things that I forgot). My notes feel like a dumpster fire.

I thought I was cool as a cucumber with having ADHD and Autism (at first it is a relief that I finally 'solved' what is up with me), but writing notes and thinking back to the times where I was told off for not listening and interrupting people, it makes me a bit angry. There were so many chances that I could have been diagnosed earlier and I wouldn't have to go through all the trauma and drama over my workplaces about my perceived incompetence's. I think I've tried to downplay my experiences in the ADHD diagnostic interview, because it's embarrassing to admit I'm a forgetful person who is very bad at planning (it's not the traits a capitalistic society is looking for).

Even within myself, I don't realise how severe my disability is. I'm aware I have internalised ableism, so a lot of the times I downplay it and avoid the times where my attention and executive function let me down.

I was searching AUDHD on YouTube because I wanted to listen to other AUDHDers of their experiences, but I only found videos of people saying the 10 signs of AUDHD. I'm not interested in the signs of it, but rather someone else I can relate to so I don't feel as isolated. I'm finding myself alienated from identifying with purely ADHD or purely Autism, because I have some combination of both. No I know why most of the time I experience a very push-pull relationship with everything. It's not BPD, but I would describe it as having two people living in one body. I both like and despise routine, and it makes me sabotage a situation that gets comfortable. I love doing the same things everyday and watching the same films over and over again, but I have urges to travel and destroy my daily routine. People who know me see that I'm a homebody one week, but an adventurous traveller the next. No consistency whatsoever (but ironically inconsistency is the most consistent thing about me). It's not self-sabotage but how my AUDHD manifests itself. My anxiety is a condition caused by having to hide my AUDHD from abled people and pretending I'm neurotypical.