Self-imposed conflicts (from a-n)

 So I’m having a dilemma where I’m supposed to go to a crit tomorrow, but I’m not sure if I’m wanted there. What I mean is that a few weeks ago, I was invited to put forward an application to show one of my works. I put forward The Cost of Production:

I wish I hadn’t now, because I felt a deep sense of shame last night about the possibility of breaking one of the code of conducts of that institution. They normally send out an email to say whether your work is chosen or rejected for the crit. I hadn’t received anything. This makes me worry that my work has offended the institution. And now I don’t want to go because it’s awkward, but I have to go because you’re expected to go if you submit a work, regardless of whether it gets chosen or not.

I feel like this situation is self-imposed. I did this to myself. It would have been alright if I had submitted another work or ignored the invitation altogether. It’s these things that make me not want to make work. In the past there’s bold artists like Duchamp who submits a urinal for a prestigious art exhibition and pull it off somehow. I have no idea how they have the boldness to do so. Did they feel this shortly after submission? But my head is a mess, because art school has drilled it into my brain that risk taking is required. Why is reality so hard to understand?

I don’t know what institutions expect of me, and a part of me thinks being unable to read these social signals is a manifestation of autism. 15 years ago, I would have thought it was because I was an INTP/ENTP, because these don’t have senses (Si) and emotion (Fe) as their top function stack.

I also got rejected from the same institution and they wrote they something along the lines of choosing the group based on whether everyone in that group gets along. Rationally, I’m sure it’s not the case, but viscerally I don’t feel wanted in this institution.

I have to cross a lot of barriers just to attend one crit.

I later got an email about my research proposal not being good enough and advice to do something else. It was suppose to hurt, but it didn’t because in my head I ‘already rejected’ the path first a few weeks ago, so it’s ok.

What I’m preoccupied with right now, is the tension of going to this crit.