Making artwork feels dangerous

Photograph by Steve Greer

 I’ve got my autism assessment on Tuesday. I think I’m autistic, because I don’t understand the unwritten rules in groups. I’m great at talking one-on-one with people, but in a group of 4 or more people, it gets very overwhelming, and I don’t understand how the chat rapport works, so I end up speaking the same time as someone else. Maybe I don’t see some micro gesture, I’m not sure.

Another trait that I have is the bluntness and the lack of diplomacy at navigating abstract topics. I’ve been told I’m very direct in the past. I think this highlights itself if I’m not seeing the social setting in front of me. This affects my artworks and writing. In real life, I wouldn’t dream critiquing something to the degree that my writing goes into. The dilemma is that my writing is something that I feel is true. Stopping that would mean I would go back to hiding myself from myself, and we’re back on square one again, where I mask.

There is something I would like to call out. My works are praised privately in person, but seem to be rejected by the same body of people in public. How can an artist work with viewers and institutions who behave like this? It went from gatekeeping to being two faced in trying to be PC and please the authority that gives funding, and trying to uphold artistic integrity regardless of politics. The Venice Biennale has this dilemma.

It suddenly feels dangerous to make artwork expressing my true thoughts about institutions, because I’m worried I’ll get cancelled (even though it’s well-received behind closed doors). I’ve got a vibe that it’s not only me who’s feeling this way about making artworks expressing it. A lot of artists who I look to have gone quiet since the pandemic. It’s too easy to be cancelled these days for expressing artistic vision.

I want to continue to make artwork about institutional critique, but I won’t put it out in public, because I feel like I’m doing someone else’s share of labour – I’m sorry, but all these artists’ works I look to are coincidentally art academics (and the situation is the same, because the role is a paradox). I don’t want to be cynical, but if I give and give, I’ll give everyone my enthusiasm and I won’t have any left for myself. I’m not the type to monetise my output, so it’s better if I make my work lowkey. It’ll cost me professionally, but so be it. Stubborn is a negative term, but being stubborn in an unhealthy society is a double negative.

I really don’t like the version of me that rants (and on a deeper level, I don’t like how I’m the one who’s whistleblowing), but the situation needs to be addressed.