Level 1 Autism (from a-n)

 

A few days ago, I got diagnosed with level 1 autism. My assessor sent me a 47-page assessment report a day after the assessment. I appreciate the swift assessment-to-diagnosis process, but I do worry about what the healthcare system is doing to its staff.

I haven’t read it in a lot of detail, but I read that my bilingual and ethnic-cultural differences have hidden my symptoms at school, and that ethnic minority groups are late diagnosed, if at all.

When I started to read that I could apply for disability funding if I chose to study postgraduate, I felt anger, because I felt swindled from getting support from my previous studies. I stopped reading it because I didn’t want to get angry.

I don’t want to be angry about these systems anymore. If anything, I want to move on from it. I have the answers that I have been seeking a long time. I feel that I finally found the biggest piece of missing jigsaw to finding out ‘what was wrong with me’ my whole life.

I don’t want to make institutional critique anymore (I want to do something else going forward), because it reminds me too much of the systems that failed me. It’s difficult to blame something other than myself, because I’ve spent my whole life having systems tell me that I’m lazy and not working hard enough.

I think it was harsher on me, because I did a test in primary school, and the teachers were overjoyed with the results and constantly expected great things from me. This was repeated during my BA, when I sensed that lecturers were becoming interested in my work, and were subtly pushing me to pursue a PhD.

The PhD research proposal is another sore point. I know I produce good ideas, because institutions tend to produce my ideas in their plans (I see it replicated, albeit without acknowledgement). I can’t get to the point where they are happy with my research proposal, because I can’t maintain focus. This is why I’m waiting for my ADHD assessment, too. I might have a combination of autism and ADHD, comorbid with anxiety and other disorders from lifelong masking.

But rules are rules.