Too_much.cda

Having a lot of seed crystals.mp3

One of the main criticisms for my work is that I'm 'unfocused' - I have too many different works going on. But it's not fair to call it a problem. The unfocused work is caused by having been through a lot in life. I have an enquiry of my art practice where I'm following my intellectual needs, but I'm also pulled on creating work exploring my traumas and difficult childhood, but I also have my ethnic heritage (of being a 3rd generational British-Chinese to explore). These are all important and relevant. I'm trying my best, but I only have one body and not enough time. 

I'm pulled by my emotional and intellectual needs. I wrote about it on my first blog during my BA Fine Art course, and the lecturers viewed it as bizarre. I feel that it was a great injustice looking back at it. I wish I kept that blog, but I deleted it out of shame after I had my first psychosis.

Upset after the last post.mp3

I cried after writing my last post, the tears wouldn't stop when I went to bed. I woke up this morning and watched Tracey Emin's talks, and was a bit teary thinking about my life and missed opportunities. I'm just a bit sad about it. Tracey can say what she wants and is awarded for it, whereas if I do that, I'm going to get criticised. [I thought about it again, I think she has to be careful to say the right things, so technically she can’t say what she wants. But why can men like Trump can get away with it?]

I liked Agnes Martin's way of dealing with it. Agnes just left the city at the height of her career and worked in solitude. She engaged with the world in her own terms. And if she didn't like her work, she just destroyed it.

To be a ‘successful artist’ in a conventional sense, is something that attracts and repulses me at the same time. Sometimes I think if it wasn’t an influence from socialising, it wouldn’t bother me- my favourite time was when I was very young and hadn’t been engaging with the wider world, be it at school. I just knew my home surroundings and in front of me was cheap paper and paint my parents got for me. It was the cheapest materials- the paper that water dissolved. But I think I was happier then because I had nothing to compare to. Fulfilment and happiness isn’t the same thing.

I watched a YouTube essay about Cillian Murphy, and the person said he always looks like he wants to go home in the interviews. That’s what I’m like when I have an obligation related to art, like attending openings of my own show - I just want to go home, I miss my cat.

Wordlview.mp3

I was thinking about my childhood friend this morning. She was the first child who wasn't racist to me at primary school. My parents wouldn't let me be friends with her because she wasn't from the 'right' background - my parents didn't like her and her family because they were viewed as poor in the village, and she had nits, but I didn't initially see this; I was just a person who wanted to connection and belonging. This was the friend I had to talk to through the mailbox. One reason I don't really like people is that, as I grew in popularity, the other children convinced me to see her as someone with nits (I'm remorseful for becoming like that). This is how I figured out what it's like in society. The adults just hide it better - to others and to themselves, especially to themselves. 

The battle of what to do.mp3 

I have a strong urge to write, write and write. But I also want to sculpt that sculpture that's been living in my head for over a week. I'm very sad that people don't see this as work and think I'm being lazy.

Voyeurism and ‘preferences’.mp3

I’m currently into watching the BBC series ‘what do artists do all day?’ (On YouTube), because I’m a bit voyeuristic and like to have a nosey of what people do. I also watch ‘what’s in my bag’, a vogue series on celebrities talking about the items they bring with them. Same with facial routines. It strangely inspires me to be mindful of what I do and helps me live in the moment more. 

I actually used to be too interested in the lifestyles of people I was romantically attracted (I’m asexual though, romantic and sexual preferences aren’t the same. I just wish more people know that sexuality isn’t one solid block of sexual preferences. And that one day I don’t have to write my sexuality in ‘other’ on forms). I wanted to also write that the LGBTQ+ community hasn’t got in touch with my enquiries. Well that makes me feel welcomed…

There’s something ‘wrong with me’ because I don’t get turned on. It’s important to mention that because I’m asexual doesn’t mean I’m sex negative, I like watching steamy scenes on tv. I just don’t feel that feeling when I look at someone attractive. How do you get that feeling you want to sleep with someone? What does it feel like? When I’m attracted to someone, I look at their photo like artwork. I’m a bit embarrassed by this, but if Tracey Emin can talk openly about embarrassing things, so can I. Nothing can stop me from doing so - it’s just social construct. (I was talking to my friend last week that there was a time I was rushing to submit paper to turnitin before the deadline at 12am, and realised that it’s literally a construct set by the lecturer. You know what I did? I waited and submitted at 12.05am. Nothing happened, he still marked it and passed me.) Sometimes it’s just ‘fuck it, do what you want in life’ < [the tension of the rubber band keeping me at bay by other peoples’ social commands is so heavy, that it has finally snapped. That’s what’s happened. It's also the emotive place where the quote, 'seize the means of production' is from - workers who don't give a fuck about businesses they are working for - but most have to pretend to care. At my last workplace, most people didn’t want to be there. I can tell by looking at them.]

This structure: I’m not a celebrity, but just get me out of here!

It was really creepy actually how I used to look up my crushes profiles online, thankfully I don’t do that now - I think it was caused by me not living my own life out fully, and living through people instead. That was a leeway for me to develop and maintain limerences I think. It makes me think of Bea from Eastenders, I think that character is like that, and she’s influenced by her past trauma. It’s called ‘window shopping’ other people’s lives online. maybe I started it because it was the only thing my parents let me do.

I think having celebrities and public figures to deflect this need to look at others in an intimate way is helpful in this sense. 

This is another seed crystal to influence my practice. I can make art about my lack of sexuality - the un-erotic diagrammatic works give it away though.

Cynicism and the internet.mp3

I realised that I need to be more intentional with what I'm consuming online. I think the algorithm is making me even more bitter and cynical (because the algorithm feeds off my trauma response negatively). I want to aim for a more optimistic personality. I think watching British artists talk about their worldview and ways of making their work has made me realise that I don't want to be bitter and full of cynicism when I'm looking at my work and when I talk about the world. But it’s a challenge when we live in a world like this one at the moment.

Actually it’s not the algorithm, sometimes I actively search for videos that speak what I’m thinking. So maybe it’s just me. Not the algorithm.