Being an artist-researcher outside of institutions (from a-n)

Photograph by dfulmer

On deeper inspection, I think going on a PhD programme would harm my work. I have my own style of being an artist-researcher (I’m not too fond of that title, but I need it to label what I’m doing in the world), and learning how to research a certain way would create more tension in me, not lessen it. I enjoy sharing my work on the internet, and I wouldn’t enjoy it as much writing for a thesis that would be circulated between a few people. There’s also a chance of pretending to perform what a PhD student would be doing.

It raises the question of why being trained to research formally is perceived as a higher position than researching organically through living life. There are institutionalised beliefs that collecting data passively by chance is considered a lazy approach, and actively seeking information is viewed as a fairer task. Why isn’t the criterion just having curiosity to probe further?

I felt the same tension for art as well. It’s a double-edged sword, because I needed it to initially access art and culture, but at the same time, I felt formal education gave me a flawed model of thinking – but I could have already been predisposed to thinking this way from a STEM specialist sixth form before Fine Art, but in reality – there was no perfect model to begin with..

I seemed to go through a loop of applying and withdrawing. I suspect it’s because I sometimes realise this is true for me, but then I forget, and when surrounded by others who want to do a PhD, the mimetic desire makes me apply again. Some might say it’s self-sabotage, but maybe it’s not always a bad thing – it might be the body’s way of disagreeing. It gets a bad name because it’s associated with the one-dimensional binary of what success is.

I think it’s better if I continue forging my own path by doing what I’m naturally doing, instead of applying to institutions, thinking it would solve my problems. Sometimes I think it’s the lack of direct external validation that makes me follow the path of others.