Racing_mind.cda

Masking.mp3

The forms for my ADHD and autism assessment have been sent off, and I'm currently waiting for my assessment appointment. I've asked my dad to attend the appointment with me. I told him that it was the opportunity to tell a professional how strange I was throughout my childhood and now. He's seen all my special interests, stimming, and asocial preferences. My parents are starting to take the thought of me having autism and ADHD seriously. But I'm still angry with the school and my parents for not spotting signs earlier, I'm also angry at myself for not seeking help - 

being neurodivergent could have been the cause of my previous bad behaviour and mental health issues. I had a pattern of ruminating about 'what's wrong' with my life during sixth form and BA Fine Art - maybe I was trying to work out something that culture couldn't articulate at the time that wasn’t the butt of the joke. Neurodivergence and mental health was frequently joked about on tv and everyday conversations in the 2010s. Even I joked about it.

I also don't mask at home. This is one of the reasons why I prefer having a studio at home, because I feel like I waste creative energy masking during my commute and interacting with others. I just automatically do it beyond my control. I used to think it was due to gender norms of women and girls having to mask true emotions in a masculine world, but I don't think that describes me fully. 

Research diary that I've started. I wrote more information on my Instagram post about it

Neurodiverse traits.mp3

I'm getting a lot of impulses to work on new things lately. In the context of creativity, it's a good thing, but I also feel like I'm out of control - I don't feel grounded. I have states where I'm in the flow, where I concentrate on my ideas, lose my appetite, and don't sleep well. But I prefer it when I'm being mindful of my surroundings. I used to describe my art practice as scattered, but the lecturers disagreed, as they think in systems. 10 years later, I've adopted this way of thinking - I've also seen patterns of the same behaviour, same trends happening in different places to understand that it's systemically interconnected.

I actually started this way of thinking in the second year of BA Fine Art, and made diagrams related to it, but conformity shut it down. In some ways, I do have a sense of survival guilt, where I feel guilty for my classmates not continuing their art, but it's ambiguous, because their presence made me conform to a certain way of thinking and doing. [going back to the thing of masking]

I've recently submitted work to somewhere, but only the pieces I thought had more potential to be accepted, which were the ones seen traditionally as art. [I want to use the 'already accepted as art' works as a signpost for the works I'm doing now]

Not happy with my research proposal.mp3

I emailed an updated version of my proposal to potential supervisors, and thought about it afterwards (constantly thinking about it on the back of my mind). I'm not happy with it already, because I've realised the complexity of the question I've proposed, which could go off in different directions, and at different levels of depth. I'm not sure if the aims and objectives, and the literature review is detailed enough. I feel like I've missed this out, and missed that out. I also don't think I wrote the contributions detailed enough - I didn't think about how the research would benefit the wider community (but at the same time, I don't want to be overambitious, that becomes arrogance).

My argument in the literature review can go deeper into exploring Lacanian/Kristevan themes (a previous writing in the proposal, which I got rid of!)

A_moment_of_silence.mp3

 

I made this meme… and I’m calling it ‘A moment of silence’…

Invisible labour.mp3 

In sims, when the player wants to make a profit, they make a sim green, then hide them in a basement to make paintings, and then sell the paintings to generate money for the main family. I feel like some of us are those trolls - churning out information for the collective who doesn’t think about us. 

Post structural dilemma of artist-researchers.mp3

'You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out
You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about'

There are times where I want to sacrifice my academic legitimacy so that I can be a truth-teller...

 BUT! I want my ‘artist’ side to ‘get along’ and form a coalition with my research endeavours. 

hmm

My Gantt chart at the moment

Making_zines_real.mp3

 

Masking and tiredness.mp3

I started making digital zines in 2024-2025. I made 12 issues of these and just stopped, because I stopped feeling it (my jobs keep getting in the way of my creativity! The impulse to make something is an internal thing, but I get distracted easily by external structure and can't seem to do both).

I choose to be on my own with few friends who only know me on surface level-

‘Religious folks choose to live in seclusion to be closer to God, I choose seclusion to be closer to Art-research.’

I can’t be with people and make artwork that meets my bloody high standards. And I’m tired of pretending/masking my neurodivergence.

Money money money.mp3

I don’t mean seclusion as in living miles away from anyone, I mean a lifestyle that avoids socialising, I’m interested in Hikikomori, but socialise when necessary like going to a job or something that will help me gain something (it’s largely because I really don’t want to spend unnecessary money. Structurally set up: the ones who wind up spending are usually those who don’t have any). 

- I can tell that my parents were really strict with me during potty training… it’s interesting because my generation of the family are like this in a way. I’ve noticed me, my brother and cousins display this hermit like behaviour. Not sure if it’s a cultural or a generational thing? Maybe it’s affected by the economy (you don’t say) and parenting styles. (Harsh government, harsh schools, and harsh parenting)

The collective situation of having no money is so dire it isn’t taboo anymore 

- I don’t want to be stingy but what’s happening in the world is making me have no choice but to be like this. I literally walked to Sainsbury’s to get a few essential items and a small treat (crème egg) and it set me back £21. Imagine if I drove, how much would petrol cost?! When someone asks me to meet up, I mentally have a calculator out and want to ask immediately, ‘how much is this outing going to cost?’ Instead of being intrigued by what the meet up entails.

Back to the zine though.mp3

I printed the first issue of the zine out today and started becoming interested in it again. I printed it without the background colour (because printer ink is expensive). So I coloured the green background with pencil crayons instead. It gives it a niche feeling, because it's a blend of digital and manual (DIY) labour. I glued the pages together and stapled them to form a booklet. 

Now that I've seen it in tangible form. I don't like how the zine is in this format. It feels like this layout is overdone. I'm going to try different ways of putting the subsequent zines together in the next few prints. I'm going to print the next one out in a shape net - so the viewer can interact with the zine by folding it up into a shape. Plus, the title 'deconstruction' goes with the 'deconstructed shape'. 

Family_trauma_[TW!]_.cda

It's really intense [very heavy read], because it's a long list of questionnaires and data input for autism/ADHD. [followed by a full on section of TW content]

I've asked my mum about my social, academic, and behavioural histories in my entire education up to 18. When she was talking to me about how she saw me. I had a realisation that it doesn't seem like we're experiencing life in the same universe. Her answers made me question whether she really knew me as a person when I was growing up. 

She said my academic performance and socialising were above average, because I went to Chinese school on weekends, whilst going to my regular school on weekdays. But I'm remembering all the help, the support, and the struggles of my education. 

I think my parents saw me as their idealised version of a golden child, who can do no wrong, which fuelled their impulse to mollycoddle me from the other children, as I was their child. I feel somewhat objectified with that thought - like I'm their pet. Sometimes I have a fear that I'm doing the same with my cat, because I'm keeping her as a house cat, as I don't want her to get injured by other animals or run over by cars. This is another reason why I don't wish to have kids, because I'm doomed to do the same thing my parents are doing to me. This has happened before with the previous generations. My mum doesn't like her mum, and my grandmum didn't like my great-grandmum for being too controlling. That's a sign.

I'm an avid watcher of Eastenders, and I see a lot in the Beale family that is similar to my own. My dad is definitely an Ian Beale 'Thatcher's child' archetype. He thinks art is a waste of time and has that type of mindset. My mum is kind of absent. She's there but is absent.

I did actually have an enmeshed relationship with my parents, because they don't see me as separate from them. There was a time when I joined an acting agency because I wanted to be an extra, but then my dad signed up for it as well, so I didn't do it. I bet if I assert my independence, I'm going to be the scapegoat instead of the golden child.

I feel like my artworks are fuelled by this anger towards authority figures and systemic structures, of not being seen for who I am.  

I’m laughing about it but it’s actually serious.mp3

I thought more about it. I’m more of a scapegoat to my dad, but the golden child to my mum - she’s living vicariously through me pursuing my art dreams (as her mum and family financial situation prohibited her from becoming an artist, and my dad obviously doesn’t like it, because I don’t fit his image: a mathematician/accountant) it’s not supposed to be funny, but I’m going to end up finding a spouse who’ll have similar traits as them. I’m finding it funny because that’s the only way I know how to cope without going off the rail.

It’s cultural and intergenerational.mp3 (sorry: trigger warning)

When I was living with two of my university friends in shared accommodation, we were talking about how our parents treated us whilst growing up. Mine was the Asian strict parenting, one of my friends was raised in a Ghanaian household, and another was English. Me and my friend (who’s 3rd gen Ghanaian) talked about physical abuse as a method of punishment. It happened to both of us. My friend who was English, didn’t go through physical abuse as a disciplinary method. (I low key wish I grew up in a white household)

I think there is an intergenerational trauma element in my case though. My great grandmum and grandmum on my mum’s side nearly got captured by Japanese soldiers in WWII. Mum mentioned it to me very casually. My grandparents on my dad’s side went hiding in a forest away from the Japanese soldiers. I think we’re all trying to recover from it on some level. A lot of people mentioned that my mum looks Japanese - I feel like there’s an elephant in the room there. I wanted to write it so that it ‘ends’ the trauma floating around this lineage. I feel like there is a weird intergenerational trauma there, but can’t describe it in a way that’s sufficient, because it’s not a tangible sense.

I found this article about generational trauma: 

https://medicamondiale.org/en/violence-against-women/overcoming-trauma/transgenerational-trauma

The researcher in me doesn’t have boundaries- I don’t know my suspicions for sure, but I’m not brave enough to take a genealogy DNA test to find out. I’d also upset a lot of people in my family including myself.

Yeah but.mp3

I don’t want to slate my family like this because I love them, but at the same time I want to write my piece of how it’s affecting me through all these years, and it makes a difference to how my art practice came to be. They’re not as strict as before, so that’s an improvement. I actually think how I treat myself is more of a problem, because it’s turned inwards.

Possible_Autism_ADHD.cda

I just registered into a clinic for adult autism/ADHD. I feel a bit sick after writing about the overview of what I've been going through throughout my life. This is what I've been going through regarding my neurodivergence (it's intense, but that's my life experience in a nutshell, it is what it is):

Describe your education experience.mp3

'I was a loner in the first few years of primary school. I struggled interacting with the other children (which I thought was due to language barriers, as I’m British-born Chinese and was raised in a household that spoke mainly in Cantonese). I learned to get along with my peers and developed a friendship group in secondary school.
 
Academically, my performance was asymmetrical. I did well in certain areas but struggled in others. I remember I struggled particularly with English and mental maths tests. This is reflected in my tests, where I scored very low in primary school. In secondary school, my grades from formal exams were average, even though I got high grades on my homework throughout the year.
 
My mum described me as emotionally immature, and my manager from my work experience at sixth form gave me feedback that my social skills ought to be more developed for a 17-year-old.
 
Behaviourally, I was forgetful and disorganised in primary school and the first two years of secondary school, but I improved from then on. I saw myself as a good student and remained quiet throughout the rest of my time at school. I started acting out when I went to art school at 19 towards the lecturers. I had behaviour issues and problems with alcohol that led to my first psychosis.'

I had a lot of reports from school. I brought it to Staffordshire University when I was a student, but didn't have the courage to show anyone. I lost the reports when moving back home after university. It might have been me losing it deliberately. So now I don't have any evidence. 

Describe your occupational experience.mp3

I struggled socially with most of the jobs, where I was a target of discrimination for processing information differently. I was quiet and struggled to maintain a conversation where I would be seen as 'normal'. I worked in jobs that was factory based. I struggled with processing auditory information in a loud environment and unfamiliar accents. I physically heard what my colleagues were saying, but was unable to understand it, and kept asking them to repeat or was forced to pretend to understand to avoid being awkward. When I was working as a QA Technician, I found doing multiple tasks hard, and I found planning difficult. When I was listening to my manager speak to me directly, I was unable to retain that information in my head. I worked well as an operative when I had a clear task that was repetitive for a long period of time, even though I got very bored and found it unfulfilling.

Describe other experiences.mp3

I struggle with working memory. When I was in school, I struggled with mental maths, where information was from cassette tapes, and we had to quickly process it and write the answer out. I struggle with remembering a list of numbers. I also struggle with remembering names and faces in situations where I meet several new people. I'm unable to process abstract thoughts into speech, which affects me with presentations and talking to a group. I'm better at articulating my thoughts in a one-to-one setting, and if there is a context behind the conversation. I'm unable to remember song lyrics and the names of celebrities.

Having uninformed parents.mp3

I have an issue with getting my parents to work with me on helping me investigate it, because they don't believe in neurodivergence, they don't even believe in mental illness. They think it's an excuse, and that it really depends on one's own will, that if one tries hard enough, they can will themselves out of mental illness and neurodivergence. Maybe I started acting out at art school because I felt it was a safe space for me to rebel and individuate. My parents can be harsh- I think that’s where my inner critic comes from.

2e: When your gifts and disability mask each other 😭

Having uninformed teachers.mp3

I'm a bit angry when I think about it. The teachers at my secondary school saw that I was struggling in plain sight, and just let me walk through the system, without investigating why my exam grades was a lot lower than my homework grades. It's not even a few marks, but the difference between A* and C. I want someone to explain.

Making_Crap.mp3

An idea factory.mp3

I was looking at my research proposal, and suddenly had a reflexive idea to make a sculpture that looks like crap. I want to print off my research proposal, reduce it into papier-mache, dye it brown, and mould it into that shape. It's comedic, but it is a critique of the system. 

We're churning out knowledge (and footing the bill) that realistically, would only be read by supervisors. I don't think anyone else would read it. My parents and friends aren't interested in what I have to write about. The public definitely isn't interested. 

So academic research in the physical form of crap is the representation of the abject thing that this current short-form-loving society disowns. I hope I intellectually own this idea, but I won't go as far as to copyright it like some influencers.

(Note to self - Research Wim Delvoye: cloaca) -

One of many iterations: Cloaca New & Improved • wimdelvoye.be

Zoochosis.mp3

I feel like it’s some form of intellectual self sabotage? Imagine if I get rejected because of this…Would this be classed as self sabotage? [was doing some thinking on this- turns out there is a ‘collective complex’ towards ‘PhD’: it brings up insecurities around intelligence and power imbalance which becomes tribal. I usually notice people tense up, do a micro-gesture, or the air in the room changes when PhD is mentioned outside, and sometimes even inside academia.]

I feel tension with applying - I know the reason behind why they say art and research doesn’t agree with each other. I find research important, but I’m also pulled with the thought of art research as unnecessary. Societally, we’re in a time where it’s embarrassing to pursue a PhD- does that say much about the time we’re in? To think that pursuing knowledge for enlightenment is vice instead of a virtue? 

When I was 4 or 5, I had the same pain of adjusting to the school system. It’s the same here, but I’m 32 and I’m adjusting to the bureaucracy of academia. I think it’s this society, I don’t like the rules very much. Art is anti-rules and it’s arguably natural to our real selves, the selves before we had to internalise the rules. However, I would argue that research is an extension of childhood curiosity, that later got reshaped to fit external demands.

I’ll take some time to walk in a park or forest because the patriarchal structure: the structure cis-male capitalists made for us is making me mad. A century ago, I would have been diagnosed with female hysteria. 

I see it in my cat. She sometimes gets the zoomies and runs around frantically. Maybe that’s her reacting to being in an environment that’s not her natural place.

All_smoke_and_no_fire.cda

The dangers of using reels to promote work.mp3

After a few days of going wild and promoting work, I'm going to stop there for now, because I've realised that there is a tendency to overdo it, and it becomes a situation where it's 'all bark and no bite' - Me promoting my practice is going to become like the wizard of Oz producing visual affects with no real substance - and my actual practice fades away - then you get fans praising bull. It's what Baudrillard was writing about when he wrote this,

'It is the map that precedes the territory—precession of simulacra—it is the map that engenders the territory and if we were to revive the fable today, it would be the territory whose shreds are slowly rotting across the map.'

FYI: Having exhibitions in galleries doesn’t make me happy anymore, because it’s manufactured success based on political alignment of a system. It’s not off my own back.

Literature review progress?.mp3

I started my writing with what the research investigates, and then went straight to 'here's the problem, here's the research gap'. I think it's the best way of going about it without writing nonsense. Then I'll go into sources, evidence, and critical analyses.

Accept failing, accept being unoriginal.mp3

I found a problem that's niche (hopefully it won’t get taken again: I’ve clocked on to that, but it happens all the time so that’s life: capitalism, animal instinct and competition) but relevant enough to research about it. I'm not too happy about my research, but I think it's a good emotional stance to look at one's own research (but also towards anything in life actually). It's like driving. Being too complacent and happy about it is dangerous.

Accept being dumb.mp3

I’ve asked if I can volunteer at an institute which teaches SEND individuals a variety of subjects. I had anxiety for asking, but a trick to curb the anxiety of asking for opportunities is rationalising with myself by telling myself ‘They aren’t going to execute you on the spot for asking.’ The worst scenario is they would think I’m an idiot, but I’m already experienced in that arena. [I don’t know why, but when I think I’m being smart, that’s when I don’t get anything done, and then some random person does it and gets credit for being visible - for being VISIBLE]

I came across this quote, open mouths get fed more food than closed mouths - so speak up more

I hope I follow this advice that I wrote (but I don’t like how I have to. My first headteacher was onto something when she wrote that I was a loner in the report - I feel like I’m at my best self when I’m with my own company. I felt like this at 5, I feel like this at 32, and I will probably feel like this when and if I reach 70). 

What if quiet people only talk a lot to people they feel safe with? Would that change the narrative meaning with the quiet people in society, where it is largely an unsafe space?

No smoke without fire though.mp3

[post edit- at secondary school I thought I had nothing to rebel against. I was the stereotypical good quiet student- the perfect student, but it turns out I have a lot of grievances to write about, rebel against, and it’s becoming a lifelong occurrence. In some ways I watch things happen as if I’m watching TV on VR rather than be a participant of life]

Working_with_the_zeitgeist.cda

Short form content.mp3

I've been having fun these past few days making short-form clips/skits of the process of myself as an artist, curator, and researcher. I've drawn inspiration from using shared memes in the sound culture, where I use clips of sounds from films and viral Tiktok jokes (I even used that as inspiration to record the snippets myself) to create these videos. 

It enters the zeitgeist of short-form content and Gen Z/alpha humour online as a way to narrate lived experience. 

The Random Exhibition.mp3

I currently have work in an exhibition that is running until June. The opening was last night.

Note about BANK.mp3

It's my second time showing work with this gallery, and on both occasions, I find the gallery's ethos BANK-like (a 90s London artist collective). The curation is chaotic. I saw it myself when I dropped off work, and the gallery staff were putting the work up in an impromptu manner rather than with a curatorial plan. That does live up to the exhibition name: Random. I spoke to the gallery director about the work, and as she was interrupted by another artist, she dropped the U-shaped bracket on top of the work - I was surprised by that, but it was interesting, because it made me think of how the artist-curators at BANK would 'treat the artists' works disrespectfully' in one exhibition. The LTB's previous space was very BANK-like too, because it was a run-down space that had a lot of rich history, but it was going to be demolished soon, so that Coventry could be gentrified. 

Making memes about critical thinking.mp3

Yes, but...

I've been making my own memes from the different things I've found on the internet, which uses critical thinking skills and thinking about perspectives from different groups (because I've worked with a lot of different mindsets and backgrounds from my previous jobs, even my own family would argue the other side that focuses on survival). I'll put this in my research proposal too - as evidence of all my output. One of the artist-researchers who helped me before said an art-humanities PhD acts as an umbrella that covers everything one does. [I don't think she used an umbrella as an analogy, but I'm now using it as a way to explain what she said.] 

I think I had a problem earlier, where I didn’t bring in everything I did into the assessments, so only some of the work was marked. The things I made “outside the university” was more interesting. Basically gatekeeping myself, maybe because I unconsciously want the grade I think I deserve. 

Yes, but ethics.mp3

It's unethical to take cut bits off without referencing where one got the source from, but in a way, if we gatekeep pedantically how to use the information, there'd be no creative progress...I mean, why shoot ourselves in the foot?

Making_a_short_video_about_the_practice.cda

I'm starting to accept self-promotion and social media 'branding' as a way to function as an artist in the 21st century, despite the social anxiety/generalised anxiety, and even the discomfort of listening to the sound of my voice. Digital use is a bit like The Grain from Black Mirror. I think it’s common for people born in the 80s/90s/00s to feel a split between using new technology and keeping traditional methods. When I was asked why I didn’t use a computer to type up my university assignment, I said it felt like I was cheating.

Video of my practice: 

Short reel of my work for Instagram and TikTok (the fast fashion of medias) consumption:

I felt impulsive to make a video of my voiceover talking about the work - so I did. I realised later that it's a good idea to make one for applications and funding. I know my grades aren't great, so I need something to compensate for that - having bad grades isn't the end of the world. It shows my articulation skills (even though my neurodivergence hinders my ability to process abstract information into speech - what works best for me is having a script), technical skill of using Adobe Premiere Pro, organising visual content with verbal articulation (good skill for presentations), and good at adapting to short form content (reels).

I have the WIP project on the software, so the good thing is that I can edit and add bits in/take bits out and tailor it for specific applications.

 

I also wrote an acknowledge section on my website:

Through this work, I hope that I will be able to accept my differences as a neurodivergent artist, honour my role models, bring justice to those who have been discriminated against for being different, and honour my former peers who have had similar enquiries but weren’t fortunate enough to continue.  

It was in my research proposal, but I wanted to make it transparent to viewers who are looking at my website. I feel like it’s the right thing to do, when I think about my former friends who didn’t end up being the artists they deserve to be.

The post-art school gap is catching up to me.mp3

I think the grey area that artists go through after leaving art school is catching up to me. In the past, I was saved from this by having full-time jobs outside the arts. There is no escaping this phase of life as a creative. I'm going to look at residencies, but volunteer around as well. It's such a weird phase. I have gone through phases like this before, but in my view, I have failed. I have a scarcity mindset - I don't want to use my savings, even though I have it. I'd rather work and use the income from that to cover my expenses, because I know the payroll in a full-time permanent contract is guaranteed. 

I'm applying to one now, and I feel alive - that excitement, and it made me think that I've put myself through torture all these years in doing something that kills me inside, just to find out that the art, curator and researcher path was right all along - I just didn't have the self-confidence to go after it. Writing it as torture is a bit dramatic, but I'm in pain because the scarcity mindset is taught by my dad, and I just think that if it weren't for him in some ways, I would have ended up being happier.

Finding a career path that pays me.mp3

I feel like I have a lot going on right now, but I feel like I need to do right by society and find a paid job to help me pay bills, and the PhD research is a long-term plan. Following the advice from my GP, I wrote to Autism West Midlands to give me some guidance in careers. They've corresponded back and have given me some ideas and resources to help me with my job search. 

There is a visiting lecturer role going for culinary arts, to help students (16+) with cooking as a life skill. I'm interested in this role, because I get to utilise my industry experience in working with food, however, I'm aware that I don't have teaching skills and don't have experience working with SEND individuals. I'm going to ask if I can volunteer there, to see if I like working in this sector. 

It's in an area that doesn't have a dedicated large carpark nearby, so I'm a bit anxious of commuting there. Not finding a parking space gives me anxiety.

(I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I can just hope, It's what we can do sometimes)

My inner Karren Brady.mp3

What went wrong was that I hadn’t done this during my BA Fine Art studies. It would have been better if I did this in my early 20s, when I was being paid student finance and had university lecturers’ moral support. 

Karren Brady’s disapproving looks from the apprentice -

https://youtu.be/ltdWcQ_U94A?si=0R-fRfqZcCb69Mxc

It’s what I’m like when I watch my memories back as a 3rd person observer from the future. 

[in defence of my past self, I didn’t have the information and mindset I have today - would I have ended up differently if I had the mindset and attitude I have today back then?]

What happens to art students after they leave art school?.cda

 

This video is by @artoflol on TikTok. I found it funny but reflects this situation somewhat accurately. I feel like we just disappear into the abyss after art school, and the ecosystem (society really) that places students, and people coming of age at the centre of the cultural stage. 

Maybe this doesn't just apply to art students, but what happens after this stage in life (Am I stuck at the phase where I think I've peaked?!) Oh god, I've peaked in life...

I'm sure it's not the case, 

but I'm thinking how lucky art lecturers are in being back in a setting where they can live out this stage over and over again, and be surrounded by people who love to be in the environment where intellectual activity happens. Or am I just seeing what I want to see?

Understanding the structures enough, but not to the point of saving oneself from it.mp3

I guess the feeling of alienation goes away if I study towards a PhD because I'll be placed back within the community, and theoretically lets hope that all goes well, and I finish my PhD - I will be having the same issue of loneliness after it (and the same feeling of I need a way to pay bills etc) - what I'm going through now will return. That's not the reason why I'm choosing to do a PhD, but I'm just writing it like it is.

Still happening under our noses - right now.mp3

And I’ve just noticed something. The cis-male artists in my cohort seem to be doing better professionally in the legitimate spaces of art in the West Midlands, regardless of marital status in any gender. (Me being uncomfortable with realising this observation seems to be an indicator that’s telling me something) 

It’s strange because we critically dissected this problem at universities, in established galleries, but it’s still happening. Is anything being done about it? Is all this talk actually working?

And I wanted to attach this Substack article link here- https://open.substack.com/pub/celestemdavis/p/epstein-files-patriarchy?r=7snej4&utm_medium=ios

The link about this patriarchal problem is more serious than the double standard in the art industry, but I think both these issues relate to the problem of the patriarchal society that’s institutionalised. 

Wow! Well this post got dark. 

Progress?.cda

Reconsolidating this visual artist, curator, and researcher identity.mp3

I'm getting my act together. Yesterday, I rethought of my presentation across social media, and rewrote my Linkedin bio, the about information on my website, CV presentation, and Instagram. 

This is what it looks like so far -

CV - https://jasminelee.com/cv/

About section on my website:

Jasmine Lee’s work is multidisciplinary, spanning painting, sculpture, photography, digital, and mixed media. She has a background in Fine Art, where she was trained as an artist and curator. Her neurodiverse practice explores the cross-pollination between conceptual art processes and food manufacturing systems, an industry where she has worked for over a decade. 

Lee is interested in institutional systems, labour and processes, informed by code-switching between the different spaces, as well as code-switching linguistically between English and Cantonese at home and in public.

Current work usually comments on abstract and physical urban structures with symbolic nods to natural formations. She has a studio at home and develops work in solitude, valuing a process-led enquiry more than viewer-driven production. The tension is in what Lee sees in test pieces, where the result supersedes work for galleries, as test pieces allow a mindset for mistakes and improvisation.
Lee is interested in collaborating with local manufacturing companies in the Midlands to produce works that extend beyond the limits of individual studio production. 

Linkedin about: 

I am a visual artist, curator, and artistic researcher with over 10 years of experience producing artwork and exhibiting locally, nationally, and internationally.

I have co-curated exhibitions for the Midlands art collective, Amass Collective

I am a member of:

- Amass Collective
- EOP (Eastside Projects based in Digbeth, Birmingham)
- A-N
- Associate member of Axis

My research consists of:

- Practice-based research exploring the intangible processes of conceptual art within institutions
- Comparative research between the tangible processes in food manufacturing production and intangible processes of conceptual art
- Auto-theoretical writing reflecting on artistic practice and everyday experience

My website is:

www.jasminelee.com

It's helping me a lot in framing myself professionally in the art-research industry, (and even psychologically on being stable in my self-concept and confidence).

The problem is that these passions doesn't match the current job market.mp3

I came across a biblical quote of 'one cannot serve two masters', referring to serving both God and money. It's a similar situation here, where I can't be loyal to both paths in this life, where I aim to make a decent living to support myself into living a great material life, and put myself into helping society in some way (that's how I'm seeing the current situation). In some ways it is my weak spot. I like expensive things (but I have noticed that I've slowly lost interest in consumerism and debauchery), but it's becoming dire because it's getting harder to live out an intellectual life without struggling to pay for basics and council tax - I'm miserable because I've just paid my tax to a bankrupt council, I know it's due in April, but I like to pay a month early incase I forget.

Structural issues.mp3

I've also noticed this error yesterday and put it on Instagram,

I didn't complain to the company, because I know it happens. From my short experience as a QA Technician, I know this isn't a major issue - it's not foreign body contamination, so complaining about it is petty, and the structural issue won't get sorted because of the blame culture in manufacturing industries that only care about surface level problems instead of tackling the bigger systemic issues of - the crazy demand levels caused by overconsumption and the consumer culture. From my experience as a former operative, I know the lines are running too fast to meet the demands, and like the saying of not being able to serve two masters, one cannot concentrate on quality and meet production needs at the same time, because these go off into different directions of interest. (But it's just my two cents about this situation - all I can do now is voice) - Exit, voice, and loyalty much?

Random memory of artists burning their prize money.mp3

When I was in the first year of BA Fine Art, we were told about an artist burning their prize money in open fire. 19 year old me was puzzled - like why would someone do that!? But I understand it now. It makes everyone wealthier [I later found out that it doesn’t], and it's a statement against the art system - which is in a way, helping perpetuate inequality by giving people money, instead of helping the whole collective. That's how I understand it anyway, don't know if my knowledge is correct. 

I wanted to leave this here

For those who understand Plato.mp3

A lot of people are in the cave. I'm trying to tell my family and friends about the worries I have. They don't understand where I'm coming from. My dad sees surface level problems that just affect individuals, rather than a collective systemic issue. He sees it as, as long as him and his family have enough money to feed themselves, they are fine. My friends are into hedonism, and try to encourage me to spend, spend, spend to have a good time. They don't understand why I don't want to spend frivolously and criticise my frugality, they think I'm ok because I'm not in credit card debt/overdraft. But it's not ok. Society isn't ok, if my friend's financial philosophy and my dad's mindset are random samples from this society. 

He did try to give me some encouragement though, so maybe I'm the one being unreasonable...

It's as if those who are outside the cave are taking on emotional labour (carrying the burden) for those who are in this cave. I feel like it's a societal responsibility to leave the cave - to develop critical and systems thinking, and to think beyond immediate pleasures.

I was once in the cave, and some people wanted to drag me out. I was angry about it, but now when I’m outside the cave, my anger changed from being exposed to these horrors (being aware of how bad the world is) to anger that’s shared with those who are outside it, but it’s kind of like a spiritual shared-ness rather than knowing who these people are.

Bit_harsh_though.cda

 

This is text art that I've just made. I don't know how to feel about this one. It's kind of harsh, but at the same time, it's my raw feelings responding to some criticism from the work. I came up with this from a place of, I want to come up with something that provokes self-reflection and reflection of meritocracy…

The horrors of work and patriarchal spaces.mp3

(the reality is the places are limited, be it the job and position- capital aside: a lot of people are working hard and are putting in the effort in doing the right things in life, but at the end of the day, getting that job and position does come from being at the right place at the right time. Because training happens on the job. And I guess then becomes the ability to be liked to keep the position. Most people form alliances at workplaces. If that group were into hustle culture, you have to pretend to be part of it too, even though it hurts your health). It also feels a bit sadistic to brag about success in relation to peers who didn’t get it, but it’s the society we’re in. The title of this post is ‘bit harsh though’ describes this too. (I don’t want to be negative, but I don’t want to be disingenuous about things in life)

Back to the artwork-

Looking at the current situation, the readers (target viewers) are people who can afford the internet and are privileged enough to have shelter. 'The World' is the symbol of people who don't have the privilege of having a home, the internet, or the means to voice themselves. But it does ask a question - can I make this work on behalf of these people? Do I have the right to advocate for these people who are marginalised by society?  

What would happen if I put this work in a gallery or established art school?

It’s like *bandersnatch.mp3

Looking at my art CV- https://jasminelee.com/cv

I don’t think I was ever supposed to go down the path of QA Technician. Maybe it’s meant to be that I’ll go down this research path?

I kept having recurring dreams of my former workplace. The last one was me announcing to some people that I’m leaving because no one cares about the workplace rules. I then had conversations as some form of closure with people who looked out for me at work. Something tells me I won’t be having recurring dreams of that workplace now. Sometimes closure is inwards rather than an outward action. In psychology, these internal figures are the good Kleinian objects. 

*Bandersnatch was an interactive film, but the people who work at Netflix threw tea at the film and deleted it. (You’ll only get that joke if you’ve watched bandersnatch)

Serendipity_in_misfortune.cda

Just a quick note to write that I'm managing to find a way to include my years of working in the food production industry in my research endeavours and research proposal. It's just because I don't want to lose a decade of my work with nothing to show for it (and I don’t want to think I worked there for the profit to go into someone’s back pocket. Monetary profit yes, but intellectual profit no - see Marx’s theory of alienation- but I’m transferring intellectual profit from one field to another that wouldn’t give me intellectual property rights once I sign a contract, so how’s that different?*). Even though it's not the work that's aligned with my art and passion, I still don't want to see it go to waste. I can't write any further in the public space (I'm dying to share it though - how it would help with my research).

I modified the absurd trolley problem diagram. In my brain, I'm thinking that doing a PhD is like being a bee who stings a threat. It's bad for the individual bee, but good for the colony, even though no one likes it when bees attack - People don't like it when someone does a PhD when they don't see the tangible benefits to society. I put the text, butterfly effect pointing to the wings, because the actions of free will and conformity affects people's behaviour nearby and then it dominoes in society. I'm having some strange discourse within myself about university vs work

Sliding doors.mp3

I'm starting to frame the misfortune of being pushed out of the industry as the universe's way to nudge me off of what it considers to be the wrong path for me. I secretly believe that maybe we're born with some kind of pre-agreed plan of what we'll do, the people we meet and what our life purpose is. Maybe I deviated from my plan so far the universe had to step in.

*Ever watched the Dreamworks film, Antz and relate to how it comments on this human condition in society? I saw it when I was a young kid and knew this is grim, this is life.

Someone actually made a video analysis about this! https://youtu.be/XuQUuBBrCPg?si=sdRHEQ9nzlvqAZXO

Avoid being a Cassandra.mp3

I think it’s more worthwhile to find a way to pacify this grim reality by being mendacious whilst compassionate at this point, rather than changing anything of the system. I don’t see how we can change something like capitalism without it going even more dystopian. I don’t believe in a promised utopian future without strings attached. 

Someone told me years ago to think of localised instead of global utopia. 

Operating_my_research_proposal_introduction.cda

Opening the wound - My whole life triggers me (Yes, I trauma dumping).mp3

This is what I've written in my introduction, but I will omit things because it comes across as trauma dumping, and I don't want to do that. I understand why I have abandoned this version - as a form of avoidance (if I don't have to think about it, it doesn't exist). I've put my own comments down in bold.

I grew up in the 2000s in the countryside, where my understanding of culture is made up of images proliferated by the mass media of American television. There's a lot of hidden messages from American television, even--especially cartoons from the 60s. The racism, the gender inequality, and more recently, in the 90s and 00s, the fatphobia, the racial, neurodivergence and gender stereotypes, to name a few problems. 

As such, mMy life hais been governed by the codes and conventions of this digital culture in addition to navigating educational and art institutions in the 2010s. The elitism in the arts, and how the people who can afford philanthropy can be the tastemakers of society - they are seen as the good guys who just give - not the artists who have spent several hours working on unpaid labour (art). The schools' love for middle-class codes and conformity that conveniently suits capitalism. 

and on a linguistic level as well. This also manifests linguistically, where Being as a bilingual  and British Born Chinese personartist

I have a memory where I was holiday with my parents when I was a toddler, and I pointed at a shop that sold paintings and told my dad I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. He said to me, 'But you'll be poor and have no money.'

, I regularly switch between  the two languages English and Cantonese. I have CPTSD from chronic racial bullying from childhood and adolescence, due to growing up in a monocultural environment where my appearance was different.

 

I’ve been influenced by artist-curators in art related institutions, as well as having mentors in non-art roles. when communicating with my parents. As a consequence of this phenomenon, I hav In the past, I had to cross-pollinate between different fields, which is suggested in my multidisciplinary art practice. I have recently had a negative experience at work, where I was discriminated against for my neurodivergence. I have realised that I have internalised ableism, having come from a family and community where ableism is normalised. But it's class-coded too - I've spent years in education, gentrifying myself to fit the system's needs, and I find myself also discriminated against at work, because of how I present myself. My own dad thinks I'm a snob because I went to university.

[Verdict: I need to do a lot of work. Inside and outside the proposal before I can email anyone about the research. There's an idea going around online, about the broken bone theory - where if one didn't have any broken bones, it means they might be compensating for it in emotional/spiritual pain in life.]

Stitching up the wound.mp3

New version:

I had to cross-pollinate between different areas, which manifests in my multidisciplinary art practice. and on a linguistic level as well. This also manifests linguistically, where Being as a bilingual and British Born Chinese personartist, I regularly switch between  the two languages English and Cantonese.

 

I’ve been influenced by artist-curators in art related institutions, as well as having mentors in non-art roles in my development. when communicating with my parents. As a consequence of this phenomenon, I hav I have recently had a negative experience at work, where I was discriminated against for my neurodivergence. I have realised that I have internalised ableism, having come from a family and community where ableism is normalised. Throughout my life, I have experienced racial and neurodivergence discrimination because of my appearance and intangible differences when interacting with others.

It's a lot cleaner and disinfected (less immature). I have a later paragraph about what the research hopes to do. But I can't make it accessible to the public.

Random meme I made.mp3

I think parents who mollycoddle their children, even with good intentions, will end up backfiring, 
because the children will end up resenting them. 
Maybe the mollycoddling father figure could even be
Extended to the government acting as some father figure
- nanny state that’s going wrong

I found this video analysis interesting and wanted to put it here:

Psychology of an Underdog: Elle Woods

It resonated with me that Elle Woods didn't fit in, and despite that, she made it work for her.

There are probably people who think I can't do it. Let them think that.

Research question.mp3

I came up with a research question that is more aligned with what I want to find out. But because I kept coming up with duds, I can't be certain whether this one is also meh. And there is no way to ascertain to whether what I came up with is original. It is, however, researchable and has a philosophical bent to it.

Contribution list.mp3

I'm going to start to compile a list of people who are helping me with this research. I think it's better to do this while going through it, rather than remembering everyone when I'm at the end of the research.

Masking_with_the_false_self.cda

 

I've got feedback on my research proposal. There's a strong consensus to go with my previous proposal, with the feedback comments. So this tells me that I've actually gone back a step (I literally restarted it!) I feel silly thinking about that now. Why on earth did I rewrite a completely different proposal?! 

I think a lot of it is to do with me masking my own perceived mistakes. Part of me is ashamed of the work I make, the way I think, and who I am as a practitioner (maybe it's the internalised ableism). Winnicott came up with the idea of the false self concealing the true self - started when the infant's needs weren't adequately met by the caregivers. My mum had depression for the first several years of my life. I remember the times when I modified my personality to fit her needs. I stayed quiet when she slept in the afternoon. I didn't talk to my parents when I was bullied for my ethnicity at primary school. 

-

When I was looking at my proposal, I decided to print it all off and lay it out on my living room floor to see it better. I found the tangible material of the paper with text helped with actually attaining the information better. I'm starting to realise the seriousness of my visual thinking. I knew before that I was a visual thinker, but I related to it as a symbolic thing rather than fully understanding that it's my needs. 

I might base my proposal on the processes behind making artwork, rather than the subject. I was suggested to look at examples of previous PhDs, but these are the things I'm finding difficult to understand:

• Making the research narrow - I can only imagine that as a tangible subject rather than an abstraction
• Coming up with the question - I find it incredibly hard to come up with a question that I'm satisfied with. I think the expectation makes it worse. But I might research more into neurodiverse thinking and visual thinking, before making up a question in thin air - I'm not sure how people actually come up with the question, because I'm not them in a philosophical sense

I feel like what I'm doing is one step forward, two steps back.

I'm looking at the work I've previously made when I wrote that proposal, and I was actually going into depth and was onto something, but then I stopped.

I think I'm too harsh on myself, and don't give my work a chance to speak in the world, because I think it's already doomed in my mind, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because I hide it away! I do so because I feel embarrassed and cringe, and then think about bad reactions from people. Then I feel relieved when I finally do hide my work.

Resources: 

The cult of two: https://youtu.be/pqlX3bAc8n4?si=B0RFQBqYVX2RQjFt

I’m watching this video and thinking of my early family system, and the experiences I’ve had at work with being caught within peoples’ icky dynamics. I don’t know fully what I’m going through at the moment. But I’m going through something.

This is probably why I stay single and give myself roses and chocolates on Valentine’s Day, because there’s a thought of what if I’m one? What if I get suckered into being involved with one? And what is the probability that it’ll end up being repeated in the next generation?

My dad being a bull in the china shop.mp3

After I've finished wrapping my work for the gallery, my dad visits me with Chinese herbal soup. I thanked him, but he then went on about the workplace that we used to share. Think I'm starting to resent him because the way I view that workplace has changed, and he's integral to that workplace. He told me that the colleague (the one who started the smear campaign) is on holiday this week, and kept badgering on about the people at work. I have no interest at this point what these people are up to, and it was starting to piss me off. He asked me if I wanted to go back to working there, but for nightshift. Obviously, I said not over my dead body. He then asked me if I wanted to apply for a QA position at another place he saw advertised. I'm pissed off on the inside at this point - it's a great idea to go to someone's home and poke them at their sore spot! I asked when he was leaving because I didn't want to start an argument with him. When he left I I saw the herbal soup he left me and felt guilty wanting him to leave when he just arrived. 

I can't see him for a while, maybe a few months, because I'm beginning to resent him as he reminds me of workplace discrimination.  

The year of the fire horse is wretched. Not just personally, but globally too.