Teething problems

At work.mp3

I've been in my new role for 3 weeks, and I'm starting to get teething problems. I'm struggling to adjust to the new dynamic I have with my workplace and the people in it. To add to current challenges, my dad used to work in this place for about 20 years, and I feel like I'm living under his shadow. I feel like my colleagues, or it's from myself (maybe I'm projecting, but I interpreted a few sly digs here and there - but I let it go because it tends to happen in office/ knowledge based settings), expect to be efficient in my role. I do have wins at tasks, but I also have setbacks and mistakes - and every time mistakes happen, I feel like it's the end of the world. I also feel like I do have ADHD, or a form of neurodivergence, and it's showing more in my current role - and highlighting how neurotypical the workplace is. 

My role is very mental labour-oriented. I'm struggling to go from my old role as an operative (when I could just go in, follow procedures, and do the manual labour whilst my mind was free, but I was very bored - and that's how limerence forms for me) to planning the day and go 100% on my own initiative (calling people and asking for the times they start a certain line etc.). This is where my possible ADHD is showing, because I found out I'm very disorganised and cannot plan very well. Of course, I can learn it with time, but this situation is highlighting my natural habits before I got to secondary school and had the organisational pattern drilled into me. I have to adapt to a neurotypical world to survive.  

Wanted to leave this video here -

UNMASKING: The neurodivergent identity crisis hidden behind a lifetime of pretending

My colleagues from my previous role, when I bump into them, say what I have right now is a good job - I understand that they mean that they perceive my role as a comfortable one, because it's not manual labour oriented. But it's far from the truth, because it's very cognitively demanding, and carries a lot of emotional labour. I don't feel happy when I have to tell people they are not following procedures to ensure food safety, because I know they will feel bad about it, and it makes me feel bad in return.

Writing the research proposal.mp3

This process is going a lot better than my job if I'm honest. I'm more of a writer because it's an introverted activity. (But I suspect I will go through some teething problems of editing my proposal once I send it off to university and find a supervisor). I need to stick it out with my current job, because 1. I don't want to leave my company in the lurch, and 2. because I see it as some civic duty to do this alongside my PhD (it probably sounds conceited - when you feel like you have the mental resources to do a specific research that you feel society needs, it feels like an dishonour to waste it). I'm practising this trait of grit - that is needed to be successful at doing a PhD, and maybe a career in academia in the future. I feel like this ambition is too high for me to attain, but I can hope for a better day. (but I know it's not as good in academia either - it's perception vs experience). 

I think I perform a lot better in my research than I do at work, because the research belongs to me, and work is an external thing I have to adapt to. I’m probably better off starting my own business than working for someone else. There’s an article about this - why neurodivergent people tend to start their own business - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202503/why-so-many-neurodivergent-people-own-a-business/amp

Better days.mp3

It should be my day off, but I'm thinking about work and having tension headaches from it. Now I can spend some of that salary on expensive self-care courses, because that's how the structure of capitalism functions. But on a serious level - I need to set better boundaries between work and home. It just seems more difficult when the labour is in the mind rather than the body.

On a deeper level, am I actually with my art practice? I seem to be stuck on the level of showing work at exhibitions, but not going further than that. I need to research more about funding, residencies etc., to have a better look at my options as an artist. I'd like to get to a point in my life where I can write funding proposals, work part-time in academia and work for myself.

Tracking myself like a Royal Mail parcel.mp3

I took this from the Dunning-Kruger effect, valley of despair and applied a Google maps label onto the area I think I'm at, but can't help but feel I'm still at the denial/frustration part, and what I'm experiencing is going to descend even more.

Solution.mp3

I think I need to play a strict character at work, like an actress. The character exudes a calmness (need to slow down on walking and take time with gestures so others don't perceive me as scared and anxious all the time), and who explains thoroughly to others what she is investigating and why it might be an issue. She is confident and knows what she is doing, but is also understanding that others have a different agenda. 

Might start researching how actors get into roles and get out of them once filming is over.   

How Actors Prepare for a Role — Acting Techniques Explained

Strategic ignorance (Jedi power).mp3

On a deeper level, sometimes I think I unconsciously act dumb so others reveal their true selves, and I know what who i’m dealing with. I can’t tell whether if I am or not, but it’s not from a place of malicious intent, but more in the place of  self defence. (It’s a research tool too) but at the same time, others might be doing that too, so it’s game, so when someone fucks up in a way that’s foolish, there might be something going on behind it - are there actually silly people in the world? Or does everyone know what they are doing but concealing it? Maybe I’m evil for thinking that, but it’s just a thought of mine. I sometimes find myself knowing something is probably the wrong thing to do, and I still mess up anyway. Is this self sabotage?