Opening_a_pandora's_box.cda

 

I handed my resignation letter in yesterday. Feeling mixed emotions, because it isn't my own volition (I was covertly pushed out of the company via a smear campaign). I left quietly with what's left of my dignity intact. I'm not sure if management believes me or not, even though they appeared to listen, but I'll leave them to believe in whatever. I did the right thing for me. 

I've taken myself on walks in nature and made sure I had enough social support. I've booked a few GP appointments to discuss things that this smear campaign opened up. One is my neurodiversity (which I was made aware of by people bullying me for 'not listening' and 'not paying attention', my forgetfulness and inability to plan). I researched this on Google. I have a problem with my executive function. I have a hard time processing auditory information in loud environments and have difficulty listening to unfamiliar accents. It's going to take a long time to find out what my needs are when it comes to work. I know I can't work in loud environments anymore. I think this is something I've masked for over a decade, and was hiding it from myself. It was fine when I was an operative, because I just did the physical labour and that was a job well done. But problems started happening when I needed to put in cognitive skills.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do for work, but I don't think working in the traditional 40-hour-a-week contract would work for me. It's hard to accept because I have internalised ableism and I want to succeed in this machine. I think I need more walks and time to gather my thoughts and emotions around it. I think I'm going through Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stages of grief. Sometimes I'm angry with myself for not willing myself enough to do well at my job, but I know cognitively that it's beyond my ability to work better. I think because it's an inward thing, I'm able to make myself plan better and listen better. But I can't. What makes it more difficult for me to accept myself is that I can't see it, unlike something physical, like a broken leg, and also I'm struggling to understand that this is a lifelong disability, and it's something that I probably had from birth. 

 

Writing this post is making my head hurt, so I'll leave with these thoughts here.

Further material:

Workplace abuse and why it won’t end: https://youtu.be/izkysJy-N44?si=AG_FYimKTnllF1PL

Auditory processing disorder: https://www.autismspeaks.org/expert-opinion/auditory-processing-disorder

It_hit_the_fan.cda

A soap opera.mp3

A lot has happened in these 2 days. I don't know where to start. You know those doubts I had in my previous posts about my intelligence? It's because of something insidious happening at work these few weeks, slowly eroding my self-esteem and confidence. There was an organised passive-aggressive smear campaign against me that became very overt yesterday, so I quit. I did have decency and gave my verbal resignation to my manager, and proceeded to empty my drawer. I'm sure it was equivalent to the walk of shame, but I felt so much adrenaline that I felt empowered by it. I need to write a formal one soon.

Knowing how to drive comes in handy because I can rescue myself from being trapped. So I left. In Forrest Gump, Jenny tells Forrest, ‘if you are ever in trouble, don’t try to be brave, just run, run away.’

I had a meeting with HR and the head of technical today to discuss my grievances. It's not pleasant circumstances, but it felt like the first time I was listened to by this company. But I'm still firmly set on leaving, because I don't see how they would nip it in the bud. The well has been poisoned. These are the things I've had to endure within these 4 weeks.

1. Scrutinised for going on breaks
2. Micro analysed when I'm doing my job, and noting my mistakes/differences
3. Keeping an eye for where I was on the shop floor
4. Mocking my English
5. Overt behaviour designed to undermine my confidence and ability to work
6. Mocking my walking gait
7. Humiliating me when I do tasks wrong. I was told off in front of everyone last Tuesday
8. People around me laughing at me when I'm doing my job right such as telling people they are breaching food safety

I'm exhausted from dealing with this behaviour and also learning all the technicalities of the role. I felt that I was never given a chance to improve myself, and felt like a toy or scapegoat for this department. When I resigned verbally, I was being convinced to stay by the very people who were in on it, so I feel disappointed because I trusted these people to be genuine with me, as I was being genuine with them. 

Quitting this job has prompted me to finally seek my GP for these differences that my workplace picked up for me. I took initial assessments for autism and ADHD, and I scored very high on both. So I'm getting an influx of different feelings from that. A bit of relief because I finally know why I always felt like something was wrong with me, but anger because how can the education system fuck up this badly on generations of children under their care? And I don't know how I even got a master's without being detected by anyone who is supposed to be trained to see symptoms (but maybe I'm blaming the wrong people, I don't know), but actually I was really good at masking so... I also realised I have internalised a lot of ableist beliefs, so it's making it harder for me to accept who I really am.

I drove to my friend last night to paint with her. Need to do this more often because it's cathartic. She taught me this technique of painting automatically. We had a heart-to-heart conversation about toxic workplaces.

More information on some of the topics discussed about in this post:

Smear campaigns: https://youtu.be/kRy9ADHcTZg?si=iyvvU0qss9Q6VrSE

Flying monkeys https://youtu.be/qEH23q1r-4Q?si=qc5zp-7mA5qcrMRE 

On-site_research.cda

This is what I'm signing up for.mp3

I have to narrow the topic down, and because of this, I can't do everything I want to do on the PhD. I'm not that sad about it, but more like meh - I need to suck it up because this is what I'm signing up for.

[Not sure why but this quote comes to mind: you either die a hero, or you live long enough to become a villain. I guess it’s a worry of a possibility of doing a PhD with good intentions, but the endeavour becomes one of self interest over time, and I’m finding myself asking if this research is actually helpful, or is it just bullshit - but I guess it’s a sign that I care]

I have to be vague about certain aspects of writing, because I don't want to make too many of my ideas accessible to the public.

School of Art  in Margaret Street - Venetian Gothic

I went to the city centre and did some on-site research earlier. I found this part fun, because I was also going on an urban walk, and letting the distinctive buildings in the centre guide me for my walk.

Birmingham New Street Signal Box - Brutalist

I have to work my magic and cross-pollinate my research with skills and knowledge from being a QA Technician in manufacturing. This method of on-site data collection is parallel to a QA Technician collecting Finish Product (FP) samples for lab testing. Instead of the factory site being a microcosm for collecting samples, the city centre is the microcosm for collecting visual data as an artist who is doing research for artwork (the studio where making the artwork takes place is parallel to the testing lab).

Editing the photo on Adobe Illustrator (blurred the image)

My plan is to edit these photographs in a way that would be evidence to show the people reading my research proposal, that the cross-pollination between artist and QA Technician is a feasible idea - and it would align with the research cluster of creative pedagogies. Could cross pollinate some of the industry experience towards academic learning, and maybe in return it’ll give me teaching experience (but I'm worried I don't know enough).

A random research assignment I've set myself.mp3

I'm heading to Venice in the summer to see the Venice Biennale. The School of Art in Margaret Street is a grade I listed building in the venetian-gothic style (revival), designed by John Henry Chamberlain in the late 19th century. I'm going to use my Venice holiday as an opportunity to research the architecture there; on-site (field studies) research to look at the physical structures in person. I was speaking to my mum about it, and she's also interested in Venetian architecture. So we're going there, I'm going to take her to her first experience of the Venice Biennale.

I feel like I'm looking at the swabbing schedule at work. Noticing these parallels between work and PhD research is amusing. I think this type of humour will get me through

Teething_problems_part2.cda

It happened again. I sent my research proposal off, and was given the feedback that it was too broad, and I need a more relevant literature review. I feel dumb again- and it’s a painful chest feeling. I think I spent the majority of this year feeling dumb, but it's because I'm putting myself outside my comfort zone and learning an enormous amount of new information in a short space of time. Asking for opportunities in art and getting rejected regardless of my rejection sensitivity. Being outside the comfort zone isn't as pleasant as it's portrayed in films and on TV. Now I just need to face my fears at work by talking to more strangers whom I wouldn't normally talk to.

I've spent the last few years in my comfort zone, so this is a shock to the system, and it's a feeling I have to normalise as a sign of growth. I feel like a bit of a clown, but I think I'm a step closer to where I want to be. I'll sign up to the pre-doctoral training programme to help me, and I've resubmitted my research interest, and asked to seek advice from relevant potential supervisors who would be willing to give me advice on my research proposal. I'm making a promise to myself not to give up this time. [Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm a bit paranoid, because I'm thinking the administrators at the doctoral research centre are going to laugh at me for applying so many times and think I'm too dumb to research]

I'm going to rewatch Forrest Gump for motivation.

Gantt chart: at the beginning

Options.mp3

I do have options in narrowing my subject area down within the ‘declining quality’ - it’s smarter to apply my QA Technician analyses towards art form eg., noticing that manual technical skills is on decline. You can see it in architecture for example - using the Venetian gothic structure of the School of Art and comparing it to a brutalist building within the city. Don’t know where that sudden insight came from. Did it come from the wind?

When I wrote earlier about asking the relevant people for advice, I didn’t mean for some Kleinian internal figure from the past to help me. What?

Self Assessment.mp3

I'm on the pre-doctoral training programme, and had to write reasons why I want to do a PhD for self-assessment. I've written this:

'I want to do a doctorate because... 

1. I want to learn more practical skills in the workshops on site, to help me develop into a more competent artist
2. I want to show myself that I'm capable of achieving long-term goals I set for myself
3. I want to be able to honour the skills my previous mentors have taught me
4. I want to bring justice to the topic that I'm going to research on' 

I'm not sure why, but there is something very cringe about writing this, but I understand it's an important exercise. I think I'm also doing this is because deep down, I'm intellectually bored and want to pass time. I simultaneously know a lot about myself, but nothing about myself at the same time.

Random story about my driving journey.mp3

I started learning to drive in 2019. Passed my theory and when I was physically learning to drive, I had a really hard time learning it - my driving instructor said to me that it doesn't take a day to build Rome. When I was about to take the practical test in 2020, it got cancelled due to Covid lockdown. I waited, and my theory test became invalid because it was after 2 years since I passed. I gave up at that point. 

Started the whole thing again in 2023. Failed my first practical, because I was crap at roundabouts. I passed the second time with 2 minor faults. I thought I was crap, because I didn't pass first time round. Honestly, I thought the second test was a fluke because I did the test just before midday - when people were at work so the roads were less busy. 

I wanted to not drive at that point because of the probation period and I thought I'd get disqualified. But nevertheless, I got my first car and practised, then I had to commute to work, which involved motorways. I didn't think I could do it. 

I've been driving for just over 2 years, passed my probation period with 0 penalty points. And I can drive while listening to music in the car, I wouldn't consider myself a good driver, but I try to keep to the speed limit. So I guess the moral of this is that learning is supposed to feel shit, and then you get better, and it doesn't take a day to build Rome. I think PhD is a similar kind of journey - it's not a smooth journey as portrayed frequently by media - I watched a lot of Disney films made in the 2000s whilst growing up. It cost me a lot of money and anxiety, but learning to drive is worth it in the end.

Teething_problems.cda

At work.mp3

I've been in my new role for 3 weeks, and I'm starting to get teething problems. I'm struggling to adjust to the new dynamic I have with my workplace and the people in it. To add to current challenges, my dad used to work in this place for about 20 years, and I feel like I'm living under his shadow. I feel like my colleagues, or it's from myself (maybe I'm projecting, but I interpreted a few sly digs here and there - but I let it go because it tends to happen in office/ knowledge based settings), expect to be efficient in my role. I do have wins at tasks, but I also have setbacks and mistakes - and every time mistakes happen, I feel like it's the end of the world. I also feel like I do have ADHD, or a form of neurodivergence, and it's showing more in my current role - and highlighting how neurotypical the workplace is. 

My role is very mental labour-oriented. I'm struggling to go from my old role as an operative (when I could just go in, follow procedures, and do the manual labour whilst my mind was free, but I was very bored - and that's how limerence forms for me) to planning the day and go 100% on my own initiative (calling people and asking for the times they start a certain line etc.). This is where my possible ADHD is showing, because I found out I'm very disorganised and cannot plan very well. Of course, I can learn it with time, but this situation is highlighting my natural habits before I got to secondary school and had the organisational pattern drilled into me. I have to adapt to a neurotypical world to survive.  

Wanted to leave this video here -

UNMASKING: The neurodivergent identity crisis hidden behind a lifetime of pretending

My colleagues from my previous role, when I bump into them, say what I have right now is a good job - I understand that they mean that they perceive my role as a comfortable one, because it's not manual labour oriented. But it's far from the truth, because it's very cognitively demanding, and carries a lot of emotional labour. I don't feel happy when I have to tell people they are not following procedures to ensure food safety, because I know they will feel bad about it, and it makes me feel bad in return.

Writing the research proposal.mp3

This process is going a lot better than my job if I'm honest. I'm more of a writer because it's an introverted activity. (But I suspect I will go through some teething problems of editing my proposal once I send it off to university and find a supervisor). I need to stick it out with my current job, because 1. I don't want to leave my company in the lurch, and 2. because I see it as some civic duty to do this alongside my PhD (it probably sounds conceited - when you feel like you have the mental resources to do a specific research that you feel society needs, it feels like an dishonour to waste it). I'm practising this trait of grit - that is needed to be successful at doing a PhD, and maybe a career in academia in the future. I feel like this ambition is too high for me to attain, but I can hope for a better day. (but I know it's not as good in academia either - it's perception vs experience). 

I think I perform a lot better in my research than I do at work, because the research belongs to me, and work is an external thing I have to adapt to. I’m probably better off starting my own business than working for someone else. There’s an article about this - why neurodivergent people tend to start their own business - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202503/why-so-many-neurodivergent-people-own-a-business/amp

Better days.mp3

It should be my day off, but I'm thinking about work and having tension headaches from it. Now I can spend some of that salary on expensive self-care courses, because that's how the structure of capitalism functions. But on a serious level - I need to set better boundaries between work and home. It just seems more difficult when the labour is in the mind rather than the body.

On a deeper level, am I actually with my art practice? I seem to be stuck on the level of showing work at exhibitions, but not going further than that. I need to research more about funding, residencies etc., to have a better look at my options as an artist. I'd like to get to a point in my life where I can write funding proposals, work part-time in academia and work for myself.

Tracking myself like a Royal Mail parcel.mp3

I took this from the Dunning-Kruger effect, valley of despair and applied a Google maps label onto the area I think I'm at, but can't help but feel I'm still at the denial/frustration part, and what I'm experiencing is going to descend even more.

Solution.mp3

I think I need to play a strict character at work, like an actress. The character exudes a calmness (need to slow down on walking and take time with gestures so others don't perceive me as scared and anxious all the time), and who explains thoroughly to others what she is investigating and why it might be an issue. She is confident and knows what she is doing, but is also understanding that others have a different agenda. 

Might start researching how actors get into roles and get out of them once filming is over.   

How Actors Prepare for a Role — Acting Techniques Explained

Strategic ignorance (Jedi power).mp3

On a deeper level, sometimes I think I unconsciously act dumb so others reveal their true selves, and I know what who i’m dealing with. I can’t tell whether if I am or not, but it’s not from a place of malicious intent, but more in the place of  self defence. (It’s a research tool too) but at the same time, others might be doing that too, so it’s game, so when someone fucks up in a way that’s foolish, there might be something going on behind it - are there actually silly people in the world? Or does everyone know what they are doing but concealing it? Maybe I’m evil for thinking that, but it’s just a thought of mine. I sometimes find myself knowing something is probably the wrong thing to do, and I still mess up anyway. Is this self sabotage?

Sociology-late_capitalism-declining_quality.cda

 

I’ve just realised I’ve left out Marx’s theory of alienation, but is connected to the ‘lack of spirituality’ on the diagram I’ve drawn

I wrote up everything I know so far about this topic. You can tell I'm a visual thinker, because I sprout up weird diagrams as opposed to lists. Basing my research proposal within the UK is a really good idea, because Britain led industrialisation (which began around 1760). Even basing it in Birmingham is a good idea, because of the history surrounding industrialisation (coal and iron resources, canal network, and the railway system). I could - sometime within my PhD, begin to work with BMAG, as they have relevant resources in their museum (I feel like I'm stating the obvious here).

Also, I can't find enough research about the cross-pollination between manufacturing and making art to address late capitalism and the declining quality - which indicates a gap in research. It's a good sign. I've just read a research journal stating that the manufacturing sector lack innovation post-2008. There's more papers written about the economic state of manufacturing post pandemic in the global North and South - Maybe I have to research Adam Smith's wealth of nations?? And I'm going to going to open another tab to research "manufacturing"+"cultural capital" just to see what the search results come up with - Papers were commenting on social capital, but not cultural capital and manufacturing. It suggests that there isn't enough research emphasising manufacturing and social mobility within this sphere.

I've emailed the research supervisor - coordinator and asked her if I need to reapply for PhD, because my research is different to my previous research proposal. Not different, but more developed. But I've been here too many times before, so I'm cautious.

Random observation (maybe self critque).mp3

I'm finding the UK class system a bit snobby in separating Marx's idea of the proletariat into lower and middle classes (based on manual labour vs intellectual labour), because it doesn't matter what type of labour it is, if we are working for someone else, be it in a company or an institutional organisation, we're selling our labour to live. The UK class system of separating the middle and lower classes is justified on the basis that a group of the proletariat has more disposable income to buy products, assets and lifestyles that are defined as "taste" (adopted from the 1% bourgeoisie) to distinguish themselves from the lower classes. That's kind of snobby IMO, but it's deeply ingrained since early industrialisation - as there was a division of labour between 'dirty work' and clean office jobs in society. I've been looking through forums such as Quora and Reddit about it, and I see people still writing things like 'depends if you shower before or after work' - that indicates social class.

Maybe class consciousness is being aware that we're all in the same boat (Titanic reference). 

Other stuff.mp3

Following up from my previous blog post on 5th February, I've just emailed Library of Birmingham about showing my test piece on their site. I've written that I'm open to having a meeting to discuss the work further.

They got back to me, and stated that they can’t put my work on the notice board because it’s reserved for library information, and that there is a formal process for getting my work reviewed- even if it’s just one artwork. I feel like an idiot, but at the same time, trying and getting feedback, even if it is negative, made me aware that there is bureaucracy (red tape) that is there for a reason but gets in the way of innovation. I think it’s an important finding to understanding down the line of my research, why there is less innovation in society, not just in manufacture, since 2008. Might buy red tape and add more onto this current artwork. There’s nothing stopping me from applying this work to EOP summer camp, and using red tape to hang it on the wall alongside the email correspondence. I could redact certain things from the email- referencing something pertinent that’s happening in America at this moment with censorship. Digbeth is one of the areas we’re still able to create work freely, and even this space is shrinking. 

Bit of humour. I wanted to put this here, because it's what I feel like - this dog is guiding itself on a walk with no one to support it. I'm supposed to know what I'm doing, but on the inside I'm guessing. Chronic imposter syndrome

Ah_here_we_go_again.cda

 

Taken during the postgraduate fair at the University of Birmingham

I think I've lost the plot. I'm now seriously reconsidering doing a PhD, and I've even rationalised it despite all obstacles. I was thinking that because I'm working in the industry as a QA Technician, who works on ensuring high quality of products, it would put me in a better position to do research on sociology, late capitalism, and declining quality. I feel like an idiot for trying, but I also feel like I have a personal duty to do this PhD that is an effect of my previous and current mentors passing the baton to me (I'm trying to avoid being too sappy).

I've noticed a pattern with my previous and current mentors, that they cared once about the system(s), but have lost hope. This is something I've noticed in the art/educational sector and in manufacturing. I've even experienced it in myself. Quality-wise, I've had more experiences where I've bought a product in good faith, only to be disappointed in the actual product. - I don't think I have the power to change anything structurally, but I feel like I can alter the perception, or perhaps raise an awareness of something happening in postmodern culture.

It made me think back to my former lecturers talking about new furniture being worse than the antique ones - which were made to last (and Phoebus Cartel of lightbulbs). This planned obsolescence appears to be happening everywhere, so it's not just a microcosmic issue. 

It would ‘work’ in theory, because I’m working 12hrs for 3/4 days per week. I can spend the rest of the days on my PhD, and maybe aim to spend a few hours casually training to teach at university. Not having a fixed contract with teaching would help me on this occasion. If I wanted to upskill myself in my free time, no one can stop me technically. [I feel a bit evil for thinking that]

I think the most difficult aspect is still, ‘how would your art making, play a part in informing your research?’ I might need to re-read the art and research methods book again, and then research about Bourdieu and Marxism. As well as look at the current research papers about declining quality of products. But I could mention about cross pollinating fields as a reference to originality.

Later (after drinking and thinking about it).mp3

Actually it’s a really simple answer. I could just think about what tasks I’m doing for the QA Technician role (e.g., documenting photos of SOL/EOL products, samples) and just apply it to making artwork (documenting works at different phases, testing the quality) as research method, and then present my findings in an exhibition at the PhD exhibitions that happen at the school of art.

Test_piece.cda

 

I finally made artwork this year. It's a random test piece, because I wanted to see if printing on 17 x 9.5cm size Filofax paper would work. I went on Adobe Illustrator, made a replica of the funding graph line for Birmingham libraries. I drew a silhouette of Library of Birmingham near the graph line, because it's an iconic building/cultural site in Birmingham. (I decided to subscribe to adobe cloud because I need the the technology - even though it doesn’t deserve £57 of my money every month. It’s this tension between not liking institutions and companies, but having to tolerate them because of the symbiotic dynamic to complete goals)

Printing the graphics onto Filofax didn't go to plan, because part of it cut off in the end, but I was able to improvise and staple/tape the pages onto graph paper. I noticed I'm passively influenced by my workplace. I work mainly in an office environment now (knowledge work-based), and this test piece shows traces of this. I've seen my colleagues tape things to walls and tape paper together. I must have started doing this on my test piece because there was something endearingly unique about the tape - it wasn't regular tape. It was individual square pieces. I wanted to remake a graph, because when I was at work the other day, I saw a graph of temperature recordings, and it looked pretty, because there were a lot of recordings from different items in one graph, and you don't necessarily see it as data first.

The meaning behind the test piece.mp3

The line is from the city funding (inflation-adjusted) from when Library of Birmingham was first approved by Birmingham council (2009), to the 2020s. I used the Filofax page from 1st of April to 4th of April, because it was the end of the financial year. There is a monopoly token of the boot above the dip of the graph. Maybe it's suggesting that we are standing on the graph we don't have control over - whether it ebbs or flows - and because it's a token from monopoly, we helplessly land on spaces others own, and we have to pay to be in this space. We’re at that stage of the game (monopoly) where some players have hotels on almost all the spaces- late stage capitalism. When the institutions and businesses inevitably land in other institutional/ business spaces, they go bankrupt. It's a very dog-eat-dog sphere, but it's a world and not a sphere now, as it's happening globally.

Next steps.mp3

I think the next step is to contact Library of Birmingham and ask to put my work there. If I do, I'd probably cross off the text Filofax on my work, to cover my tracks of possible copyright infringement. I’m going to request a meeting to talk through my practice and the test piece I made, and use it also as a chance to gather ideas about the work. I don't think putting work into exhibitions does it for me anymore. I'm going to try to create opportunities for myself in 2026. There is something interesting in sociology that is behind why I suddenly have the initiative to create opportunities for myself - maybe I feel like I'm less likely to fail because I've achieved some sort of level of security. And it might also mean that groups of people who are accused of not having initiative; are misunderstood. *

*I based the above statement on what I used to be like, and how others used to perceive me.

PhD keeps following me like a recurring dream.mp3 

I was set on not doing a phd, and I'm not sure why, but the universe seems to have a way of finding people and situations to wake me up. I was reading about pH and TSS tests (for my work in my own time - I printed the information sheets off), and at home I started researching about what TSS means - it means total suspended solids, and then I wanted to research about how refractometers work, and I realised I'm not meant to stay in this place until retirement - not literally stay in the same place, but I’m not meant to plateau. [I hope I don’t sound like an asshole. I do have some irrational worry that I’ll end up becoming one, because at some point I probably assimilated the unconscious idea from somewhere]

This is how refractometers work. The light bends through the device to make the sample more visible to the human eye. I think it works similarly to a periscope, but without mirrors. Don't need to know this, but I was just curious about it

I think my path really is to study towards PhD. Most people would be happy just reading the information sheet and not question it, but I'm not satisfied with it, because it didn't explain what the TSS acronym was. I've booked to go to a postgraduate fair (happens to be on my birthday), and ask around. I'd like to do an art practice-based PhD, contributing towards sociology and humanities subjects, because what seems to be a research area that seems to be sticking for me is Bourdieu and cultural capital. Hopefully I can still work if I do go on the PhD programme - and work alongside it, because I need money to maintain my hedonic treadmill lifestyle. Working in industry whilst doing a PhD might actually in some ways help my research. 

 

To be honest I’ve thought about the PhD vs job dilemma for so much that it doesn’t make sense now. The pros and cons from both sides are congealed and mixed. Maybe I’ll run it through the Bostwick meter to see how much it flows.

One of my first inclinations when I started studying Fine Art was to bridge the gap between art and science. I can’t believe that even after 13 years - it remains the same. Lecturers back then told me that they didn’t think this interest was just a phase, but I was a sceptical 18 year old then.