Lack_Friday03.cda

 

Lack Friday.mp3

I'm going to open a store on my website called 'Lack Friday', which is a satire shop that sells conceptual art. The first product in the store is an eraser with 'Cultural Capital' written on it. I was thinking along the lines of the psychoanalytical concept, where a lack produces desire. The cultural capital eraser would probably be a one-hit wonder, but I'll add more when I think of something else. I only want to sell items that surpass a certain threshold of abstract quality. (Sorry, I don't have the skill to make it sound less uppity, but maybe I’m perceiving my own writing as a bit uppity because of internalised racism and sexism that East Asians and women are supposed to be quiet?)

The drawing was from a life drawing class.

The accompanying text is:

'In established galleries, the price would probably be a lot higher. The cost of this eraser is £9.99, but the true cost reveals itself the more you use this product to erase mistakes. You know, you can leverage this item by collecting it for the long term.'

Monomyth and that creative feeling.mp3

I've realised that when I'm on a creative high, my writing [the accompanying text for the eraser] sounds cheeky due to feelings of grandiosity, which is polarising when I'm calm and at peace. This is why I prefer being on a creative hiatus. My mind feels less spicy, and I can actually concentrate on my full-time job, run errands and do chores without being absent-minded. I feel like there's more emotional stability in feeling grounded with the outside world, but at the same time, knowing you are a separate entity from that world. The worst part is coming out of the creative period - I'm absent-minded and in a bad mood after writing, and I'm not in the mindset to do any obligations and engage with the external world for the rest of the day, so I have to make myself do these tasks out of personal responsibility. For the next few days post-writing, I edit the text I've written in my head from memory, so I end up not living in the moment. I don't know how, but it's something I do. I have a lot of self-criticism for my own work too, so it batters me silently.

My façade steps in place while I'm on "autopilot":

Hopping between these two states became more mellow with age for me; it's like my persona can glide on easier with age, or maybe I've adapted it to be aligned with my actual self. Or maybe I got more used to coping with it, and perceive it as mellowing out - idk. I'm trying to avoid explaining the medical/biological side of things, because I know it has implications.

L-earning potential.mp3

For the cultural capital eraser: I have a dilemma with deciding to keep the writing handwritten, or having it printed on, because of the workmanship quality and the idea. I like the idea that the ink from the word rubs off onto skin - because who wouldn't want that if you know what I mean. But on the level of workmanship, the product is considered bad. As an artist I want the eraser to have the text handwritten, but as someone who wants the customers to come back to buy more products, I'm going to have it printed on. This means the text doesn't rub off onto people, which is what business models that sell aspirations ultimately go for. 

The store might open in 2026, because I have a lot of logistical research to do, and I have to find methods to make people feel justified in paying £9.99 for an eraser. Things like adding some extra things into the order. I thinking about the user experience in buying an album where you also get a leaflet/pdf file with the music artist's lyrics and other items as well.

*I wrote this blog post in that creative, grandiose state, so the chances of me hating this post and deleting it later on are quite high. Or I might not delete it because I'm throwing the baby out with the bath water. It's difficult to balance being a creative person and also being a responsible member of society. I spent years blaming nature, but it's time to accept these two sides are who I am. Maybe being put together is a lie we show others. I’ve paid to verify myself on instagram, because I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore, and I might as well pay my demons away for peace and quiet in looking legitimate. It’s the same reason why I’d pay long term for a web domain as deep down, I know these are not worth the money. I’m desperate from a lack of hope. I’m owning it so no one else can put this label on me first. Maybe I’m lonely and looking for a sense of connection.

Gram spam the cave.mp3

Not a lot of people liked it online. But I guess I’m allowed to express myself and be happy internally regardless of what others perceive it. My biggest roadblock is the fear of looking like a fool. Sometimes it’s things like this (the rupture of shared meaning) that make me question myself if I’m crazy, am I out of touch with reality? Is this a grandiose delusion and my psychosis coming back? But I’m not, because I’m interacting with people in real life normally, have insight, and I feel calm about it. Sometimes the anticipatory fear of how others perceive it is much worse, because it’s the harsh internal critic rather than actual people. It’s a bit like going to the nurse for a vaccine. The part before is usually the worst than when it actually happens.

Spamming the cave: When I had psychosis a decade ago, an old man at the hospital showed me to dilute the squash more with water, because the squash concentration is too strong - random junk mail that doesn’t mean anything. But then again, squash is only great at the start if it’s hyped up by the supermarkets who work in collusion with the company based on a mutually beneficial relationship, so all the products end up being chained to the walls and aren’t free. 

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