Authorshipgate04.cda

Polyheaded creature.mp3

Maybe there are shareholders of artistic vision [rough label to describe the word - but even that is a textual representation] I’m labelling this group as the unofficial ‘everyone researching “that” collective’, and I’m the designated writer for this apparent group. Even BANK art collective is too tamed for this group, as it exists in the physical realm.

I wanted a theatrical photograph of what I think of this group. Sometimes it's dirty and sometimes it's clean. It likes to shift interpretations and different states a lot. The laundry acts as a portal for things getting lost and found.

I don’t know how big the denominator is, but it's not the same as generational wealth or physical inheritance, where children of the shareholders attain it. It transmits through vicarious interest and parasocial dynamics. I was able to know person XX through person XY years before I met person XX. It’s uncanny as my work has adopted abstract characteristics of them both, and their internal image are my guides for the immaterial. When I was preparing this post, like clockwork I dreamt of passing by them both in my dream one night. They probably passed me the relevant information to write this. Maybe it’s both the anima and animus working together.

The work produced by one person belongs to all the shareholders, but legitimately belongs to one. This is why I find trademarking common words and phrases hinders cultural progress. But in a bad economy, people are desperate to monopolise all the shares. You see this pattern in tech too.

This curatorial direction is a curious one:

‘PIGDOGANDMONKEYFESTOS [exhibition] is partly defined by the artists’ interpretation of what a manifesto is, should or could be, the exhibition as a whole is a celebration of difference and freedom rather than the endorsement of a single style or line of enquiry.’

In Chinese zodiac, these animals: the pig, dog and monkey have a weird dynamic due to the differences of temperament, a bit like the sun factory, where the misfits all meet each other within the context of the architecture. (Using intertextuality to my advantage there). I see manifestos as an opportunity for different temperaments to make mutual agreements on the shared commonality of the group, that would benefit culture. 

On a whim.mp3

The PigDogandMonkeyManifestos was a show happening when I was studying fine art in Stoke and thought that the purpose of art was to look aesthetically good as I haven't learnt the codes and conventions of fine art. This was my second choice of university. My first choice was BCU, but didn’t get in because I had food poisoning before the interview. Maybe I was supposed to.

It wouldn’t be the same blog if I haven’t had food poisoning. There probably wouldn’t be a blog at all, or in all fickleness of reality, it would have been a different shareholder writing it. 

Next post: Crime_and_curiosity05.cda

I have a few contenders but I feel this next topic deserves to be next. I’ll write more about Thomas More’s “no place” - where the shareholders are, and might even write about spirituality, in the post after the next one. I usually have a rough idea then write off the cuff and in one sitting, and then edit it post-publish. We’ll see what happens.

Lack_Friday03.cda

 

Lack Friday.mp3

I'm going to open a store on my website called 'Lack Friday', which is a satire shop that sells conceptual art. The first product in the store is an eraser with 'Cultural Capital' written on it. I was thinking along the lines of the psychoanalytical concept, where a lack produces desire. The cultural capital eraser would probably be a one-hit wonder, but I'll add more when I think of something else. I only want to sell items that surpass a certain threshold of abstract quality. (Sorry, I don't have the skill to make it sound less uppity, but maybe I’m perceiving my own writing as a bit uppity because of internalised racism and sexism that East Asians and women are supposed to be quiet?)

The drawing was from a life drawing class.

The accompanying text is:

'In established galleries, the price would probably be a lot higher. The cost of this eraser is £9.99, but the true cost reveals itself the more you use this product to erase mistakes. You know, you can leverage this item by collecting it for the long term.'

Monomyth and that creative feeling.mp3

I've realised that when I'm on a creative high, my writing [the accompanying text for the eraser] sounds cheeky due to feelings of grandiosity, which is polarising when I'm calm and at peace. This is why I prefer being on a creative hiatus. My mind feels less spicy, and I can actually concentrate on my full-time job, run errands and do chores without being absent-minded. I feel like there's more emotional stability in feeling grounded with the outside world, but at the same time, knowing you are a separate entity from that world. The worst part is coming out of the creative period - I'm absent-minded and in a bad mood after writing, and I'm not in the mindset to do any obligations and engage with the external world for the rest of the day, so I have to make myself do these tasks out of personal responsibility. For the next few days post-writing, I edit the text I've written in my head from memory, so I end up not living in the moment. I don't know how, but it's something I do. I have a lot of self-criticism for my own work too, so it batters me silently.

My façade steps in place while I'm on "autopilot":

Hopping between these two states became more mellow with age for me; it's like my persona can glide on easier with age, or maybe I've adapted it to be aligned with my actual self. Or maybe I got more used to coping with it, and perceive it as mellowing out - idk. I'm trying to avoid explaining the medical/biological side of things, because I know it has implications.

L-earning potential.mp3

For the cultural capital eraser: I have a dilemma with deciding to keep the writing handwritten, or having it printed on, because of the workmanship quality and the idea. I like the idea that the ink from the word rubs off onto skin - because who wouldn't want that if you know what I mean. But on the level of workmanship, the product is considered bad. As an artist I want the eraser to have the text handwritten, but as someone who wants the customers to come back to buy more products, I'm going to have it printed on. This means the text doesn't rub off onto people, which is what business models that sell aspirations ultimately go for. 

The store might open in 2026, because I have a lot of logistical research to do, and I have to find methods to make people feel justified in paying £9.99 for an eraser. Things like adding some extra things into the order. I thinking about the user experience in buying an album where you also get a leaflet/pdf file with the music artist's lyrics and other items as well.

*I wrote this blog post in that creative, grandiose state, so the chances of me hating this post and deleting it later on are quite high. Or I might not delete it because I'm throwing the baby out with the bath water. It's difficult to balance being a creative person and also being a responsible member of society. I spent years blaming nature, but it's time to accept these two sides are who I am. Maybe being put together is a lie we show others. I’ve paid to verify myself on instagram, because I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore, and I might as well pay my demons away for peace and quiet in looking legitimate. It’s the same reason why I’d pay long term for a web domain as deep down, I know these are not worth the money. I’m desperate from a lack of hope. I’m owning it so no one else can put this label on me first. Maybe I’m lonely and looking for a sense of connection.

Gram spam the cave.mp3

Not a lot of people liked it online. But I guess I’m allowed to express myself and be happy internally regardless of what others perceive it. My biggest roadblock is the fear of looking like a fool. Sometimes it’s things like this (the rupture of shared meaning) that make me question myself if I’m crazy, am I out of touch with reality? Is this a grandiose delusion and my psychosis coming back? But I’m not, because I’m interacting with people in real life normally, have insight, and I feel calm about it. Sometimes the anticipatory fear of how others perceive it is much worse, because it’s the harsh internal critic rather than actual people. It’s a bit like going to the nurse for a vaccine. The part before is usually the worst than when it actually happens.

Spamming the cave: When I had psychosis a decade ago, an old man at the hospital showed me to dilute the squash more with water, because the squash concentration is too strong - random junk mail that doesn’t mean anything. But then again, squash is only great at the start if it’s hyped up by the supermarkets who work in collusion with the company based on a mutually beneficial relationship, so all the products end up being chained to the walls and aren’t free. 

Next blog post: Authorshipgate04.cda

Diaries02.cda

The diaries throughout my adolescence

A spouse portal.mp3

I started writing diaries at 14. I still keep diaries at the age of 31. This was a place I used to write in great detail about my experiences with crushes. If Carl Jung were alive and talking to me, he'd comment that this was a portal to talk to the animus/anima. In this era, I don't think the animus and anima are as separate as they were in the 19th/20th century. You are writing from yourself, to yourself in the future.

These diaries in the image above are diaries I kept from adolescence. These were bright, filled with text and images I drew from my experiences of interacting with my crushes. I wrote in bright gel pens, too. I stopped writing as much when I was studying at university. I started writing diaries again after 2018, and the diaries I keep now are plain leather-covered with black writing only. This is the process of life, and what life can do to one person. I even started writing 'Dear Animus' in the openings of each entry instead of 'Dear Diary', sometime after 2020, because I might as well be direct.

I don't think anyone knew I kept diaries, because I didn't tell anyone when I was studying in school. Back then, I hated writing because I associated writing with academic writing. The writing without the I. I remember a teacher reading out my prose in English class, and everyone laughed at my writing because it was bad. And then when I went to university, I was told I wrote awkwardly. I only wrote so bad, because it wasn't my voice.

Cultural lessons.mp3

Sometimes the target of infatuation isn't the person, but the cultural capital they embody. It regularly becomes gamified in group dynamics where economic and social capital are present. I don't think anything breeds it more than an authoritarian setting.

I noticed this in a lot of institutional settings, where people like to play cupid and ship people as a form of social bonding by the water cooler. This also happens with fictional characters, so no real or imagined people are safe from the cultural fetish. 

Post-infatuation.mp3

I don't get infatuations anymore. It feels dull but peaceful, not having that high of being attracted to the positive possibilities from unfulfilled potential - this lack. It means the characteristics I've projected onto an external person have been integrated into my own personality (this is why it's commonly said as a phase linked to youth, as the personality is still developing). In some ways, it's quite fulfilling - you're experiencing a moment with people the way they are, and not through your imaginary fantasy, and you don’t have to perform to them how you want them to perceive you as. It’s exhausting and the energy could be used better elsewhere. This dynamic is not romantic or sexual in nature, but as a companion - a familial love. This is why I secretly like the vibe at small funerals, because people can be themselves, share the moment of connected memories, and talk about the person they love, despite the unfortunate circumstance. I can't write the same about high-profile funerals, though, because these are mired with being watched, and I can't shake the knowledge of actions becoming strategic. This is why posting on social media, photos of funerals is distasteful, but posting a photo of a celebrity's funeral is socially approved of, celebrated even. I read a joke somewhere that wanting to be famous or well known is a type of self abuse, but it’s not hard to see why it could be genuine reflection. One of the reasons is that people tell those they are enamoured with what they want to hear, and not what they need to know. The person becomes institutionalised over time - like when parents mollycoddle their children - that’s how love can also be destructive.

I don't think being fulfilled is synonymous with finding a partner, even though culture likes to marry up that internal state with external markers. The key term is internal state, and not the performance of fulfilment. It's not something one can show to the public, because showing it to the public brings it into dispute over whether it is actually wholehearted. It's a bit like giving money to charity. Maybe the louder something is, the more it has something else to compensate for, but we have intuition to signal to us; sometimes it's just vibes and discernment. 

Hidden track.mp3

I write 'I think' and 'I don't think' a lot, because I feel that a specific nuance of confidence in personal opinions/truth is the root cause of a lot of problems in this century, especially when more than one personal opinions and truth can exist at the same plane. It’s possible that having the need to have only one truth recognised is a symbolic way of remaining on the top. I’m thinking about some of Freud’s far-fetched theories, and it’s possible he created some of his controversial theories as a way to dominate the field at the time, as a lot of people would be talking about it, putting Freud in the academic spotlight, even if it meant in a critical negative way. It’s the same way as what the rage baiters online are doing right now. The attention economy existed in some form before the internet, it just wasn’t directly linked to money. I don’t think the algorithm is evil, I think it’s just an external man-made invention of what we label as the evils within us and have disowned. 

Home_as_studio01.cda

 

Living room desk (for manual artwork), taken by a DSLR I bought in 2013

01 Studios.mp3

My first studio space was at university. This was in 2012, when I studied Art Foundation. My subsequent studio spaces were in the same building at the university. The first studio space outside educational institutions was at Stryx. I eventually stopped having a studio space due to the cost of rent. I couldn't justify paying more than £200 per month to rent a space I'm hardly at due to full-time work. 

It took me a long time to realise that the best place to have a studio was a place where I can be myself - at home. For a long time, I thought being uncomfortable in the studio was normal, but I was ignoring my own needs and preferences. I spent a decade performing, making artwork, where I can be watched by others. Maybe some people are fine with that, but I'm sensitive to being watched - it reminds me of being in an exam and being watched by the invigilator. I think, up until this point in my life, I've been institutionalised to behave in what's perceived as culturally normal, and thus, sacrificing my actual self. 

Bedroom desk (for digital artwork), I like the 'off-white grain' effect caused by the device's age rather than the artificiality of Photoshop. These details matter to me more than I thought

02 Institutional problem.mp3

This has brought a lot of doubt in the work I have made, and where the line is with artwork that I like, and artwork that authority figures in the form of teachers, lecturers, and curators approve of. These aren't even external people anymore. It's within myself now. Technically, I didn't actually know these people, I just knew their workplace personas. And in extension to that, I don't think I truly know anyone. 

My home is where I can be comfortable with being myself and share the space with my cat. I don't have to put on a subconscious social mask to socialise with her. It's not that I don't like people; it's just that there's something that changes internally when I see people who aren't my immediate family. I'm not sure if it's just a me thing, but I've noticed this my whole life. It comes from a strong fear of rejection. I remember the feeling of intense fear when I was put in playgroup and school, and the times I was surrounded by other children pulling their eyes as a racial slur towards me. I still fear it on an unconscious level when I meet new people.  

Social media made the inauthenticity worse for me, because it's making me 'perform' for an audience all the time. 

03 Hiatus.mp3

I've taken an involuntary hiatus to find myself - involuntary because I don't have the inspiration to make any visual art. I've changed since my second psychosis back in 2018. I suffered from anhedonia since then, and MA Fine Art didn't work to give me the enthusiasm that I hoped would fix it. 

It's like I've forgotten some of my personality since 2018, and I want to restore it. I'd like to get back to oil painting eventually, but now is not the time yet, as I need to get over the socially conditioned making and showing the audience online immediately - out of my head, maybe I'm just sensitive about it, but I don't believe it's a healthy habit, because it has a similar ethos to fast fashion; of making something to send off for consumption without appreciating one's own labour behind it. The work becomes lower quality over time. 

I've also cancelled my Adobe subscription because my annual subscription discount from last Black Friday is ending, and I don't want to pay full price - from £30 to £66 per month is not worth it. I wish I was old enough in the era when you could buy the licensed software for a set price and have it permanently. 

04 Age dysphoria.mp3

I'm starting to see signs of my old self come back after putting boundaries on my social media use and acknowledging my mental health to myself. I recently started listening to iPods again. I stopped listening to my iPod after my first psychosis in 2016. Listening to music is where my enthusiasm is at the moment. I'm nostalgic about the time period between 2005 and 2015, especially with the old 2010 - 2012 Instagram aesthetic. I'm probably biased about liking this time period, because it's closely associated with my coming of age. Culturally, it's during this time period when Apple released the iPhone, which seemed to provide the framework for others e.g., Meta, for cannibalising all the surrounding tech.

I tried using my old iPod Nano, but the battery degraded to the point where I was constantly charging it. I didn't want to take it to a repair store because people might look at me weird. I bought a refurbished iPod Classic from web 2.0. I was lucky to have and keep my own music collection before I switched over to streaming music. I feel more attached to the music I own because I curate my library based on my personal autobiographical memory. I haven't had the same sentiment about the music since 2016, because I'll listen to a piece of music, and think about a particular Tiktok instead of my own lived experience.